


SVU Soulmates

by Skylark62



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-09-27 02:38:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9946505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylark62/pseuds/Skylark62
Summary: Everyone was aware of soulmates. It was one thing that you couldn’t escape, with all romantic dreams centring on meeting the one soul that was perfect for you, and you were destined to be with, forever. There had been no recorded cases of soulmate matches being wrong either, so it was a guarantee of a great relationship. But there was no guarantee of meeting your soulmate, so many people pursued relationships with people that weren't their soulmate, and were happy.But what if you met your soulmate once you were married to someone else? And what if meeting this soulmate turned on its head everything you thought you knew about yourself?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've read quite a few Soulmate fics, all of which have had a different slant on the subject, so I thought I'd have a go at writing one myself. 
> 
> I've messed with the SVU timeline, mainly where Nick and Maria's marriage is concerned, so assume that the events leading to their break-up didn't happen in season 13, but a year or so later. I only write 'happy ever after' fics, so naturally they need to break up, but I've just delayed it until after ADA Barba's introduction in season 14.
> 
> This fic is finished, with me just doing a bit of editing, so all parts will be posted over the next few weeks. 
> 
> Feedback is welcome, and feeds the plot bunnies! :)

SVU Soulmates

Prologue

Everyone was aware of soulmates. It was one thing that you couldn’t escape, with all romantic dreams centring on meeting the one soul that was perfect for you, and you were destined to be with, forever.  Nothing was more prized than the brown patterned strands that would encircle both partners’ ring fingers when they met their soulmate, the patterns being unique to them, and matching each other. There had been no recorded cases of soulmate matches being wrong either, so it was a guarantee of a great relationship.

Of course not everyone was lucky enough to meet their soulmate; with the number of people in the world, the chances of meeting that one perfect person was small, and whole businesses were built around trying to find ways to help people to find their destined partner. But it didn’t always work.

Nick Amaro had been aware of the soulmate quandary from an early age. His grandparents hadn’t been soulmates, but had had a wonderful marriage, and he had spent many an afternoon while growing up hearing about his abuela’s life with her husband, and how much she missed him. His aunt had also never met her soulmate. She had been a romantic as a young woman and had taken advantage of every way to try and meet her soulmate. She never considered settling for less and trying to find happiness and having a family with anyone other than the one she was destined to be with. But she never did meet him, and ended up a cynical, unhappy woman who had regretted her missed chances.

 His mami and papi weren’t soulmates, and their marriage had been difficult. His mami had told him that they were happy in the beginning, but his papi had a temper and when things didn’t go his way, he had taken out his frustrations on his wife and son, using his fists when words didn’t have the desired effect.

From these family experiences, Nick had developed a pragmatic approach to the whole idea. If he met his soulmate, all well and good, but he wasn’t going to hold out for it like his aunt had done and not consider a relationship with anyone else. He wanted to get married and have a family, and if he fell in love with a woman, he wasn’t going to let her not being his soulmate stop him from committing to spending his life with her. He firmly believed that it was the two people involved in the relationship that was important, not whether they had that distinctive ring on their finger that proclaimed them soulmates. He would be quite happy with the more common, but less prized gold ring that married couples exchanged.

He met Maria through friends and he was attracted to her immediately. He didn’t feel the tingling sensation he had heard was the result of meeting your soulmate, or develop the brown ring around his finger in the hours following their meeting, but they had plenty in common and had enjoyed each other’s company. He asked to see her again, and then over the next month they spent many an evening together, having dinner, going to the movies, and generally getting to know each other. They discussed the issue of soulmates, and Nick was happy to hear that Maria wasn’t that invested in the idea of meeting her soulmate. She had a friend who had met her soulmate, but she also had many other friends who were happy with partners they weren’t destined to be with. She wanted the same things out of life that Nick did, and was enthusiastic about their growing relationship.

Nick’s aunt cried at his wedding when he married Maria. She told him had always hoped he would meet his soulmate, so she could be sure he would have a good relationship, unlike his parents. But their relationship was great, and after a few years, Zara was born to make their family even more complete. Even through their separations – Nick worked undercover for NYPD for 8 years which quite often meant time away from his family, and Maria was in the military, and so stationed overseas some of the time – their relationship persevered. Neither of them could imagine themselves happier.

But life had a way of throwing rocks in the path of even the happiest relationship, and finding your soulmate, and them not being your spouse, was definitely a big problem.

 

 

Chapter 1

It had been a difficult time at SVU recently, with the Delia Rivers investigation and Captain Cragen’s absence, and only at home did Nick Amaro feel he had stability. There things were going well, with Maria finally back for good from Iraq, and recovering from the PTSD that she had initially suffered from when she had returned.

He wanted things at work to get better and felt they would improve once Captain Cragen was back, and also once he had finally gotten over his anger at Olivia picking Cassidy’s side in the investigation of Bart Ganzel. He spoke to Captain Harris about putting a bit of distance between himself and Liv as things were still strained between them, so he could try and get a bit of perspective – something that was difficult when they were working together all day, every day.

This meant he was working alone when they started the investigation of Jocelyn Paley. His first job was to read her book, ‘Twenty-Five Acts’, which he had a laugh with Maria about. Their sex life, although good, was pretty traditional. The stuff he read in this book was way beyond his realm of experience. He had been amazed at some of the things he had learnt whilst working SVU, as well as sickened at some of the tortures some people would inflict on each other.

The case was progressing cautiously, with the new ADA that Captain Harris had approached agreeing to take on the case, and Nick found himself investigating the rumors about Adam Cain’s use of force with some of the people he had worked with.

He went back to the precinct for a case meeting, and was just pouring himself a coffee when he felt a strange tingling sensation. He looked around and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, and shook his head, as if to dislodge the feeling, when it came again, this time stronger. He took a swig of his coffee and decided to ignore it, and strode into the Captain’s office.

A man was there that he didn’t recognize, who was quickly introduced to him as ADA Rafael Barba. When Nick’s eyes met those of the ADA and they shook hands, the sensations became unbearably strong, almost like an electric force between them. Nick took a step backwards and quickly sat down in the closest chair, and heard a gasp from the man he had just met. He was the source of these feelings.

He stared at the ADA in shock, never having felt such a strong reaction to anyone before. He knew what he would have suspected this was if the ADA was a woman; it matched what he had read were the indications of meeting your soulmate. But that couldn’t be the case here; Nick was heterosexual and had never been attracted to men. This must be something else.

He saw Barba take in a deep breath and stare at his right hand that had just shaken Nick’s and he could see it trembling. The counsellor quickly shoved it into his pocket and excused himself, mumbling something about visiting the men’s room. Nick watched him leave the room and when the ADA was out of sight, he bent over, resting his elbows on his knees and staring at the floor.

Captain Harris watched both men’s reactions in shock, never having seen people meet their soulmate before. He had no doubt about what he had seen though; he had met his soulmate 10 years ago and they had been happily married for 9 years. He remembered the feeling well, and the thrill he had felt as he realized he was one of the lucky ones who had met his soulmate. He didn’t see any of this happiness in either of the men who had just been in his office though. Luckily no-one else was there to witness it, as neither of them seemed at all comfortable about what had just happened. He cleared his throat to get Amaro’s attention, and caught his eye when he looked up.

Nick tried to smile at his temporary Captain and brush off what he just happened. Now was not the time to think about it. “Sorry. I don’t know what just happened,” he said before quickly turning to business. “I’ve spoken to 3 other interns that had worked with Adam Cain...”

Captain Harris held up a hand and Nick stopped talking. “Never mind the case for now. I think you do know what just happened. I certainly recognized it, having been through it myself.” He saw Nick look down at the dark pattern on his ring finger which was identical to his wife’s. 

Nick shook his head in denial. “No, that’s not it. It can’t be. I’m with Maria; I’m happily married and anyway, I’m not gay. Maybe I’m coming down with something – I did skip lunch today. I just need some food and to get on with the job.”

Captain Harris smiled at the vehement denials he was hearing. There had never been a case of a soulmate match being wrong. He was pretty sure Nick knew that too. But he decided it wasn’t his job to be Nick’s confidant, especially as the detective was in denial. Maybe once the ring started to develop on his finger he would start to admit to himself what had happened and be willing to talk about it. “Okay Nick, if that’s how you want to play it, fine. If you do want to talk about it though, my door is always open.”

Nick nodded and got lost in thought again as Captain Harris walked past him and out of the office. He was back a minute later, passing Nick a sandwich from the machine. “There you go – eat something if you think it will help.” Nick murmured his thanks and then un-wrapped the sandwich and started to eat it methodically, not realizing what he was doing as his mind was still reeling.   

Captain Harris headed to the men’s room and walked in, finding ADA Rafael Barba splashing water on his face. He looked just as pale as Nick did, and he was still trembling. “How are you doing, Rafael?” he asked the counselor in a gentle voice. He had known him for some time and had never seen him like this.

Rafael looked at Harris’s reflection in the mirror above the washbasin, before grabbing some paper towel out of the dispenser and drying his face.  “I’m not sure. Was that what I think it was?” he asked, not really expecting an answer.

“I’m pretty sure it was, yes. You’ve just met your soulmate.” Harris watched as the ADA cringed, then  slumped forwards, again holding onto the edge of the washbasin, clinging to it as if he needed the support to stay upright.

“It can’t be. I’m not gay,” he murmured, more to himself than to Harris.

“Yeah, that’s what Nick Amaro just said too. He’s also happily married with a daughter. I can’t explain it, Rafael, but I don’t think there’s much doubt as you both reacted strongly to each other. You’ll soon be able to tell, anyway,” Harris commented. Rafael looked at him at this, and Harris tapped his ring finger on his left hand, indicating the brown tattoo-like pattern which had developed within hours of him meeting his future wife.

“What do you want to do, Rafael? I can contact another ADA to take on this case if you want to avoid Amaro or have time to consider the implications of this.”

Rafael took in a deep breath and then raised himself to his full height and turned to face Harris. “No, I agreed to take on this case Steven, and I’m not backing out on it now. I can think about this later. In the meantime, I want to get Adam Cain put away.”

“As long as you and Amaro can work together on this. I can re-assign him if that would make it easier? ” Harris suggested.

Rafael shook his head. “No. It’ll be fine.” He looked at his watch before heading towards the door. “Aren’t we meant to be having a meeting now? We’d better get back to work.” He was determined to concentrate on the case and not think about this until later. Much later.

He followed Captain Harris into the office again, this time avoiding eye contact with Detective Amaro. By this time the other detectives had arrived, and he was quickly introduced to Detective Tutuola and Sergeant Munch. They started discussing the case, and it was only when Amaro piped in with the information he had that Barba had to address him. He couldn’t help the snark he could hear in his voice as he bit out at Amaro, who was giving an opinion of Cain when he hadn’t even met him. Luckily his reputation for being a bit abrasive had spread to the detectives, so this wasn’t picked up on by the other people in the room as anything unusual. He quickly turned his attention to the other detectives, again ignoring Nick Amaro. It wasn’t until much later after they had seen Cain’s speech on the internet that he managed to escape from the precinct. By this point his nerves were in shreds.

***

Later that evening, Rafael was sat in his apartment, with his second glass of whiskey in his hand, sipping slowly. Much as he wanted to get drunk, he couldn’t afford to. Not in the middle of a high profile case like this one. His attention was drawn to his left hand, and despite the dim lighting in the apartment, he could see a pattern forming on the ring finger. Now there was no doubt. He was being marked as a man who had met his soulmate.

He had never really given the issue of meeting his soulmate much attention. He had grown up in the Bronx, in a poor Cuban immigrant neighborhood, and his only thought had been how to escape. He knew he was smart, and did well at school, although his mouth did tend to get him into trouble. Education was his way out though. He worked hard to ensure he got a scholarship to Harvard University, and hadn’t looked back. He knew his career was the only way to escape from his background, and so his concentration was on that.

Relationships had never been a priority. He had a few over the years with different women, mainly ones who were appropriate to his position, and so he would have a date to take to different events where it was expected, but he hadn’t been in love since his teenage years, and had only dated women. He had never seriously considered he would meet his soulmate, and certainly never suspected it would be a man.

Nick was at the same time also thinking about the events of the day. Luckily Maria was out, so once Zara had gone to bed, he had time to himself to go over what had happened. He reluctantly took off his wedding ring, and saw the brown pattern developing where it had been. He watched and saw tendrils of brown winding their way around his finger, getting darker as time passed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this secret from Maria. He didn’t always wear his wedding ring, taking it off for dirty jobs and when showering or swimming. She would see the brown markings sooner or later, even if his wedding ring did cover the pattern completely, which it looked like it wouldn’t. 

He was sat in the dark when Maria came in, laughingly telling him about her night out, and the latest gossip from her friends. Eventually she saw the serious expression on his face and came to sit next to him.

“What’s wrong Nick? Did something happen? Is Zara okay?”

He quickly reassured her. “Zara’s fine. It’s not that. But something happened today which I need to tell you about.” He was silent for a minute while he tried to figure out what to say. His mind had gone blank. In the end he just held up his left hand, ring-less, so she could see the brown design forming.  

Maria took a sharp intake of breath as she saw her husband’s finger. She knew what that was, and it was her worst fear coming to life. Although she had never expected to meet her soulmate, and hadn’t been unduly concerned that Nick and her weren’t destined to be together, she had never considered that once they were married this could happen.

“Who is it?” she asked in a quiet voice.

Nick shrugged. “It doesn’t make sense – it’s got to be a mistake. I felt something strange when I walked into the Captain’s office, which got stronger when we were introduced and shook hands, but I didn’t really believe it until I saw this tonight.”

“Who is it?” she repeated.

Nick raised his eyes to meet hers, reluctantly. “A new ADA, Rafael Barba.”

Maria gasped. “A man? But I thought you were completely straight?”

“I am,” Nick responded in an angry voice. “That’s why this has got to be wrong. I have never been interested in men. I love you, and I’m committed to our life together. This is not going to change anything.”

“Nick, soulmate matches are never wrong. If you’re destined to be with this man, then that’s what will happen,” Maria said in a quiet voice, feeling tears building up in her eyes as she started to realize the impact this would have on their lives together.

“No it won’t. You and Zara are too important to me. Hopefully I won’t be working with him again after this case, but if it turns out his transfer to Manhattan is permanent, I can apply for a transfer somewhere else.  I won’t let this ruin our lives together.” Nick pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. He was determined to do whatever was necessary to stop this having an impact, although in his heart he doubted it would be that easy.


	2. Chapter 2

 

The next day, Nick got the opportunity to get out of town with Fin and Munch to visit the University where Jocelyn Paley was in school, and he ended up staying behind in order to avoid going back to Manhattan and facing the rest of the squad and the ADA. This turned out to be good for the case as he uncovered that Jocelyn had not been the one who wrote the book, but instead it was her professor.

He was happy that his new body art didn’t draw any attention. His wedding ring was firmly in place, and although it didn’t completely cover the pattern, it covered enough to stop it being obvious to anyone, which prevented questions being asked.

Rafael wasn’t so lucky. As he wasn’t married, he didn’t have any way to cover up the elaborate brown pattern that now ringed his finger. He tried to keep his left hand out of sight whenever possible, but saw that detectives Benson and Rollins had noticed the markings. He made sure to keep their conversations strictly case-related to avoid either of them mentioning them. Hopefully they wouldn’t have spotted that he didn’t have them yesterday.

He knew that one person who would immediately spot it was his mother. He saw her for lunch each Sunday, and he was dreading this. True to form, he hadn’t been sat at the table for more than a couple of minutes before she saw the marks, and her face lit up like a Christmas tree as she grabbed his hand to inspect more closely the intersecting brown strands that encircled his ring finger.

“Oh Rafi, you’ve met your soulmate! That’s wonderful! Tell me all about her,” she exclaimed.

Rafael looked round in embarrassment, hoping none of the other diners had heard his mother’s outburst. “Shush mom, I don’t need everyone here to know. Anyway, there’s nothing to tell. It’s a mistake, and not going to lead to anything.”

He saw the light in his mother’s eyes dim, and she frowned at him. “But these things are never wrong. You are destined to be together.”

Rafael shook his head. “Not this time.”

“Why not? Talk to me,” he mother implored.

Rafael sighed, but couldn’t deny it would be good to talk to someone about this. “For a start, it’s a he, not a she. Nick Amaro’s a detective with Special Victims Unit, the squad I’ve just started working with. Plus he’s married, happily, so I hear.”

He waited for his mom to say something, but she was struggling to get the words out. “A man, but I thought… I mean, all your past relationships have been with women. I didn’t realize you liked men as well.”

“I don’t,” Rafael answered, “That’s how I know it’s a mistake.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Look mom, I wish it was different, and that it was a woman and we would live happily ever after, and give you the grandchildren I know you want, but that’s just not going to happen. My priority has always been my work, and that’s not going to change. I’m just going to ignore this.”

Lucia Barba was silent for a minute but her mind was racing at top speed. “Are you sure it’s a man? You must have met quite a few new people with this change in job, so maybe it was someone else.”

He shook his head. “No doubt. He was the only new person in the room. As soon as I walked into the precinct I felt a tingling sensation which just grew stronger as we got closer. When we shook hands it was almost like an electric current going through my hand. I couldn’t stop shaking, and he looked just as shocked as me. It was definitely him I reacted to. A few hours later, this started to develop.” He indicated the design on his finger.

Lucia clutched her son’s hand in her own, covering up the telling brown markings as she tried to comfort him. “I’m so sorry this is causing you distress, Rafael. I just want you to be happy. Maybe if you are soulmates and perfect for each other…” she trailed off as she saw his face.

“Mom, he’s married and I’m told he has a daughter too. I’m not breaking up his marriage, and anyway, I’m not gay. I’ve never even considered being with a man like that. I like women. So don’t hold out any hope for a happily ever after ending for us, because it’s not going to happen. I’m satisfied with my career – I don’t need anything else. ” Rafael was pretty determined when he made up his mind about something, and this was one thing he was sure of. 

***

Nick tried to avoid being in close proximity to the new ADA whenever possible, helped by Captain Harris who had been assigning him duties away from the courtroom. He couldn’t avoid being there occasionally though, as it would have looked strange to the others. Nick was determined to keep his soulmate match quiet as long as possible, although he didn’t believe he would be able to cover it up forever. He needed a bit longer to get his head around it though.

While sat in the courtroom he couldn’t help but admire the skill of ADA Barba as he drew out the witnesses, making Jocelyn out to be an innocent young woman with no idea of BDSM, and trying to minimize the impact of her lying. But the masterpiece was the way he managed to get Adam Cain to show his darker side and strangle him in the court, in front of the jury. Nick had never seen anything like it, and knew that despite his personal feelings on the matter, having this ADA continue to be prosecutor for SVU was what was best for their cases.

He got home the evening after the jury had found Cain guilty, having managed to avoid not only the other detectives but also Barba. He wanted to forget his problems and spend time with his daughter. But instead he found Zara was at a sleepover and Maria was sat in front of the TV, watching over again the coverage of the court case, and an interview with Barba outside the courthouse. It was the last thing he wanted to see.

Maria turned tear-filled eyes to him and commented “He’s good at his job isn’t he? And he’s attractive. I hadn’t really thought about him as a person until I saw this”. She watched the screen intently for a couple of seconds then paused the playback, forwarding a few frames until she had a close-up shot of Barba’s left hand, pushing a microphone out of his face. Even with the reduced quality of the stilled frame on the screen, the brown markings around his left ring finger were obvious, and they matched her husband’s. She looked round at Nick and saw him looking at the screen, shocked.

He had deliberately not looked at Barba’s hand while he had been in court, not wanting to see the proof there. But here it was in HD, in his living room. Nick turned away, telling Maria to turn it off. He headed towards the bedroom and undressed mechanically, throwing his clothes into the hamper before walking into the bathroom and turning the shower on. As was his routine, he removed his watch and wedding ring as well, and froze as he saw the dark brown ring revealed; exactly matching those he had just seen on the TV.

Maria had followed her husband into the bathroom and saw his face as he took off his wedding ring and looked at the brown pattern. She grabbed his hand. “Stop ignoring this Nick. You won’t talk to me about it, but this isn’t going to go away.”

Nick’s shoulders slumped and he turned to look at her. “What do you want me to say Maria? I’ve been keeping away from him as much as possible considering the job, and haven’t spoken to him apart from at case-related meetings. There’s nothing happening between us. It’s you I love, and this isn’t going to change that.”

One tear ran down Maria’s face and Nick moved closer to wipe it away, and then took her in his arms. He could feel the shuddering of her shoulders as she cried. He wrapped both arms around her strongly, and caressed her back and murmured words of love into her ear. He knew this wasn’t easy for her, and he knew he wouldn’t have been able to stand it if it had been the other way round.

Eventually she calmed down but stayed standing still, drawing comfort from the familiar feeling of her husband holding her. She heard him suggest they share a shower, and nodded her agreement. She wanted to stay close by him as long as they were together. She no longer had confidence that it would be forever.

She allowed Nick to remove her clothing and lead her into the shower, and only then noticed he had put his wedding ring back on, covering most of the brown markings which were the cause of all their problems. He washed her hair gently, giving her a scalp massage, just the way he knew she liked it, and then he slowly washed the rest of her body, with every stroke showing the love he felt for her. Tonight was about them, and they spent the rest of the evening making love and concentrating on showing each other the depth of their feelings.

***

The next day, Nick was feeling more confident as he got into the precinct. Captain Cragen was back, and he and Maria had reaffirmed their love for each other. Even better, they had no cases which they would need any input from an ADA so he could forget about the soulmate problem and concentrate on catching bad guys.

At one point though, Cragen called him over and asked him how he was, with his ‘family situation’. Nick felt his temper flair. He knew from that comment that Captain Harris had told Cragen about what had happened when he met ADA Barba. Nick didn’t answer, but strode into Cragen’s office; there was no way he was having this conversation in the bullpen. Cragen followed and shut the door behind him. He had suspected Nick wouldn’t be happy that Harris had told him the situation, but it was something he needed to be aware of.

Nick crossed his arms and stared out of the window. “Harris told you, didn’t he?” he asked, frustration evident in his voice.

Cragen sighed. “Yes he did.” He waited a few seconds to see if Nick was going to say anything else. When it became obvious that he wasn’t going to, he continued. “Nick, it’s something I needed to know about, especially as I’ve heard today that Barba has accepted a permanent position here in Manhattan, so you will be working together regularly. I need to be kept informed about anything that will affect the squad, and this definitely has that potential.”

Nick looked round. “He’s here permanently? I hoped he wouldn’t be,” he sighed. “Look Captain, things were great between me and Maria before this cropped up, and I’m not gay. I have no intention of there being anything but work in the interactions between ADA Barba and myself. I’m not interested in him in any way other than doing my best to work with him to win our cases. This won’t be a problem.”

Cragen looked doubtful. “How can you be sure? I’ve seen this type of thing tear relationships apart before, and the last thing we need is for anyone outside the department to get wind of the idea that you and Barba have a personal relationship. If the defense heard about it and you were testifying for Barba, it could lead to an appeal or your evidence being thrown out.”      

“We don’t have a personal relationship,” Nick ground out between clenched teeth. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

“I understand that, but not everyone will do,” Cragen said gently. “You will need to disclose that you are soulmates to keep everything above board, and to mitigate problems further down the line.”

Nick looked round and saw that Cragen was holding out a sheaf of forms for him, which he could see were standard disclosure forms. He didn’t immediately take them from Cragen’s hand, prompting the Captain to glare at the detective until he took them. Nick glanced down at them and read the top sheet. “I can’t even fill in most of these details, you do realize that don’t you? I know nothing about him apart from his name and job title.”

“Just fill in what you can and your details, and then return them to me. I’ll get the rest filled in,” Cragen told Nick. He saw the defeated look in Nick’s face and sighed. “I know this isn’t what you want, Nick, but it’s got to be done to protect the cases. I can keep you away from him as much as possible, and I won’t say anything to the others, but you need to do this.”

“Maybe I should just apply for a job elsewhere,” Nick commented, half under his breath.

Cragen looked at him intently. “You could do that, but consider that it can take months for transfers to be approved. In the meantime there would still be an issue so you probably still need to disclose or have your work limited to cases that Barba doesn’t prosecute.” He paused for a few seconds to give this chance to sink in before continuing. “If you are determined to leave though, I will sign any transfer request I get from you and give you a good reference, Nick. But you are great at this job, and SVU is considered one of the elite squads in NYPD. What else would you want to do?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders. “I enjoy working here and don’t want to do anything else, but if this is going on my permanent record, then it may be for the best. The PD isn’t known for being particularly gay-friendly, and once I have it on my record that my soulmate is a man, it could cause problems, even if I am married to a woman. Bisexuals seem to fare worse than gays, and are often hated by both the gay and hetero communities.”

“True, although the NYPD is slowly stamping that out. Plus there isn’t a more open squad anywhere than right here at SVU. If you did decide to tell the rest of the squad, they would accept it and you wouldn’t see any discrimination from them.”

Nick gave Cragen an ironic smile. “Yeah, right. They don’t trust me as it is, so I’m sure disclosing that I’ve soul-matched with a man would improve things.”

Cragen looked concerned at that. “I heard from Harris there had been…problems as a result of my case and the investigation. If that is still not resolved then you need to tell me about it.”

Nick shook his head. “It’ll be fine. I needed time to get over my anger about being left out of things and not trusted during that whole investigation, but I’ve got bigger problems on my mind now. A bit more time and things will be back to normal, I’m sure.”

Cragen didn’t look convinced, but decided he needed to give Nick the benefit of the doubt. He would monitor things now he was back and see for himself what the situation was. “Fine, but if you need to talk, please come to me. I’m always here for you Nick. I know this is a difficult situation, so if you need any support, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thanks Captain. I’m glad you’re back,” Nick smiled a sad smile at Cragen before heading out of the office to his desk. He took another glance at the forms in his hand and dumped them in his bottom drawer. He would think about his options and discuss it with Maria before making any decisions or filling them in. Their current case didn’t involve Barba so he had a bit of time.


	3. Chapter 3

Nick managed to ignore the issue for the next few days, instead concentrating on their current case, of a sex trafficking ring. He ended up having a few late nights too, including going undercover. Maria wasn’t happy about this, and seemed suspicious all of a sudden and didn’t trust his word. He had hoped she would have more faith in him than that. Nick felt hurt by this; just because he had met his soulmate, didn’t mean he was going to be unfaithful to her, and he worried what this would mean to their relationship. It wasn’t as if he had even seen or spoken to Barba since the Jocelyn Paley case had ended.

But despite his efforts to ignore the situation, it was brought back to him with a vengeance when he was again called to Cragen’s office. Cragen didn’t beat around the bush, and asked him where the forms were that he had asked Nick to complete, to disclose him being Barba’s soulmate.

Nick avoided his eyes. “I haven’t filled them in yet. I’ve been busy, and I really don’t see it’s necessary.”

“We discussed this Nick. It is necessary, as otherwise any evidence you gather on cases prosecuted by Barba could be called into question. I know you’re not happy about it, but this relationship needs to be disclosed to 1PP.”

Nick glared at him. “We don’t have a relationship!” he exclaimed.

Cragen met his look. “This bond then. However you refer to it, as long as you are working with Barba, the documentation has to be in place. So get on with it. You also need to sign these forms and return them as they need to be handed in to the DA.” Cragen passed an envelope to Nick and he opened it to see similar disclosure forms to the one Cragen had given him, but this time they were for the DAs office, and had all been filled in with Barba’s details already, with spaces for his own details.

Nick opened his mouth to say something else but saw the look in Cragen’s eyes and thought better of it. He thought he’d probably pushed his luck as far as he could for now. He turned and walked out of the office without another word.

Once back at his desk he threw the envelope Cragen had given him into the same drawer that had the other forms in, and slammed it shut. He needed to calm down before he could do anything else. He looked at his watch and decided to get an early lunch, so told Liv where he was going and left the precinct.

All through his lunch he stewed over the forms, getting himself more and more worked up. By the time he finished he was furious with Barba for so easily giving in and disclosing their bond officially. He stormed off to Hogan Place and soon found himself at Barba’s office. He was told by his secretary that the ADA was in his office, and pushed his way in without waiting to be announced or even knocking.

Barba looked up as he heard his door open. He had been trying to concentrate on a deposition he was conducting that afternoon and didn’t want to be interrupted, especially not by an obviously angry Nick Amaro. The two men hadn’t been near each other for a few weeks now, and they had never been alone in the same room before. He got to his feet and crossed his arms, matching the stance of Nick.

Neither of them said anything for a minute, both taken aback by the sensations coursing through their body at just being in close proximity to each other. Now there was not only tingling, but arousal, which both of them ignored.

“Well, did you want anything in particular detective, as I’ve got better things to do than waste time, even if you don’t,” Barba commented sarcastically.

Nick clenched his hands into fists. How could this irritating man possibly be his soulmate? He wanted to punch him! He tried to focus on the reason he had come here. “I wanted to know what the hell you think you are doing, announcing us being soulmates to the DA’s office. Don’t you think it’s something you should have discussed with me before disclosing my name?”

Barba sighed. “I was informed that you would be given similar forms to complete for 1PP, so didn’t feel it was necessary to discuss it with you. I’ve seen in the past where such things aren’t disclosed. It can wreck cases, so I knew that I would have to do this when I took the job here.”

“Yes, and why the hell have you taken a job here when you knew this would be an issue? You should have gone back to where you came from and left me alone. I’ve worked here for 2 years, so if anyone should have to move, it should be you.”

Barba met Nick’s aggression and took a step forward, then paused, realizing that the feelings were more intense the closer they got to each other. “Why should I have to give up a promotion because of you? I’ve worked hard to get where I have. If you’re not happy about the situation, you can leave. No-one’s stopping you. But I’m not going anywhere, so you can stop trying your bullying tactics on me. They won’t work.”

Nick took in a deep breath, realizing that this wasn’t going the way he wanted it to. He tried to calm down, and moved a bit away from Barba, looking out of his office window instead of at the infuriating ADA. “Look, I’m married, and have a daughter. I’m not gay, have never even considered being with a man. This has to be wrong. There is no way we are soulmates. But the NYPD isn’t the most accepting of alternative lifestyles, so I really don’t want this situation to be disclosed to anyone.”

Barba saw Nick was making an effort and did the same. “I know what you mean. I’m not gay either, and denied this was really happening, but this can’t be ignored.” Barba held out his hand so Nick could see the brown markings around his finger which matched his own. “And unlike you, I can’t hide it easily either. But I’m not willing to put my career on hold because of it, or to risk my cases because of not filling in the appropriate paperwork. Just because something is in our records doesn’t mean everyone knows about it. We can keep it quiet, and as long as we act professionally towards each other, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Nick scoffed. “Do you really believe we can do that? That we can keep those around us from knowing about it?”

“Not if you keep storming in here like you did just now. Losing control like that will just give us away. As it is, Carmen will be wondering why you were here acting like that. But if we stay professional I don’t see why people should find out unless we decide to tell them. My mom is the only one I’ve told about it.”

Nick hadn’t been looking at Barba, but now turned to face him. “I’ve discussed it with Maria, and Captain Harris told Cragen, but no-one else knows. The ring helps.” He looked down at his wedding ring, the gold of it shining in the sunlight.

Barba looked down at the ring, and reluctantly asked, “could I see, just to be sure that the marking are the same. I know they must be but…” He couldn’t explain, as he could tell from the feelings that were going through him in Nick’s presence that they must be matching, but until he really saw it for himself, he felt he couldn’t really believe it.

Nick looked into his eyes for a few seconds before nodding. He could understand the need for Barba to see the patterns for himself. He slowly slipped off his wedding ring and held out his hand so Barba could see the swirls of brown strands which circled his finger. He was watching Barba’s face and saw him swallow as he also stretched out his hand. They didn’t touch each other though, just looked at each other’s finger and compared the identical markings, before they both slowly pulled their hands away. Barba thrust his into his pants pocket, and Nick quickly replaced his wedding ring, covering up the majority of the brown strands.

“So what to do we do now?” Nick asked.

“We fill in the forms as required, and then go about our jobs, and act as professional as we can towards each other. We might not like this situation, but it’s one we’ve got to live with.”

Nick nodded. “Okay. I’ll sign the forms and return them to Cragen.” He backed away from Barba and turned towards the door, letting himself out and walking back to the precinct. As he left Barba’s office he felt the tension in his body decrease, and it continued to reduce the further away he got from the other man. He knew they had no choice. But he would have to tell Maria about this tonight.

As Nick had predicted, Maria wasn’t happy about Nick having his soulmate status disclosed, but he wasn’t keen on changing jobs either, even supposing he would be able to do so. He had looked up vacancies in the NYPD and found very little on offer, and as Cragen had said, SVU was one of the elite squads in the force, so he really didn’t want to put his career back by going for a lesser post. Maria seemed unhappy to discuss the situation, and was quiet and uncommunicative towards him. He hated this. His previously happy marriage seemed to be disintegrating while he watched, unable to do anything about it.

The following day, Nick handed the completed forms to Cragen, without saying anything. He was determined to try and ignore this as much as possible, so was pleased to be distracted by a new case, even if it was a kidnapping.

***

It was Friday night and Rafael didn’t have a pressing case, and felt the need for a bit of companionship and some scotch. So he decided to make a night of it and visit a club he sometimes went to. He ate dinner and then sat at the bar, looking round at the attractive women there who were enjoying a night out. In the past he had met women here, not really for a relationship, but for a bit of company, for an evening or more, and right now he really felt he could do with that. The fact that he had been soul-matched with a man had affected him more than he liked to admit, having always enjoyed the company of women.

One woman came to the bar and stood next to him while she waited to be served. He struck up a conversation with her, and she sat on the barstool next to him when she got her drink. They got on well, flirting with each other, and he felt they were on the same wavelength. They had been sat at the bar for about an hour when he suggested they move to a more private table to continue talking.

His left hand had been in his pocket so far, as he preferred not to see the evidence on his finger, but when he got up to move, he picked up his suit coat with one hand, and his drink with the other. For the first time his hand was visible.  He turned around with the drink in his hand and saw her gaze fixed on his ring finger. He swallowed hard. The last thing he wanted to discuss was this. He just wanted a pleasant night out and distraction so he could forget about it.

They moved to sit at a table, but Rafael could see that she was suddenly a bit reluctant. She looked down at his finger, and paused, as if thinking what to say.

“I see you’ve met your soulmate.” She paused, looking up at him and waiting for him to respond.

Rafael winced. “Yes, but we’re not together and never will be.”

There was an awkward pause before she eventually asked, “why not?”

Rafael frowned. “It’s not something I like talking about, and it really doesn’t matter.”

“Oh,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to meet my soulmate, or at least meet someone who hasn’t met theirs either.”  She had enjoyed the short time she had spent with Rafael, who seemed like a nice man, but she didn’t want to get involved if it could go nowhere. With him having met his soulmate, she knew that would be the case.

Rafael could see this going downhill fast, and made one last attempt to bypass the soulmate issue. “I never thought too much about it, especially considering the odds. But the fact that my soulmate has turned out to be someone completely unsuitable is not an issue. I like you and would like to get to know you better.”

She took a sip of her drink and thought about it, before shaking her head. “I’ve never heard of a soulmate match that was wrong. I just can’t trust that even though you say it isn’t an issue, it could end up being one. I don’t want to take that chance. I’m sorry.” She smiled at him rather awkwardly, and then got up and walked away.

Rafael watched her until she was out of sight behind a crowd of people, and then took a gulp of his whiskey. He glared down at his hand. Great. Now he couldn’t even get laid because of this. 

***

The following day, Rafael decided to go and see if he could get anything done about the marks. He had only had them a few weeks, but they were affecting his life. He went to a dermatology clinic and spoke to one of the consultants there. She explained that he could get camouflage makeup, of the type that was used on port-wine stains, but because it was for his finger, it wasn’t very practical. It would rub off onto clothing or anything else he touched, and need re-applying every time he washed his hands.

Lasers of the type used to remove tattoos didn’t work on the soulmate markings. A tattoo could be applied to change the look of the marks, but he would still have visible marks around his finger. The only option she could suggest to get rid of them completely was a skin graft, and she wasn’t sure that would be fully effective. It was also likely to be noticeable that he had had surgery on his finger. He walked back home feeling very despondent.

He spent the afternoon in his apartment reading up cases of soulmate matches on the internet, with a drink in his hand. He found a forum and set himself up so he could post messages, and explained his position and asked if anyone else had had a similar experience, or knew someone who had. He got some sympathy, and a few comments about maybe he really was gay or bisexual and just hadn’t realized, but nothing helpful.

A few hours later another man responded though, telling his story. He had been matched to a man when he had always had relationships with women, and had resisted the bond. But in the end he got to know his soulmate better and their friendship turned into more. He had been very wary at first, but now they were a couple and very happy together. He told Rafael to give the match a chance, and not reject it out of hand.

That was not what Rafael wanted to hear. He slammed the laptop shut and refilled his drink. It’s not as if he had any choice in the matter. Even if he wanted to consider getting involved with Nick Amaro, which he didn’t, the other man was married. Rafael had always considered married women off-limits, and there was no way he was going to be responsible for breaking a marriage up. So it looked like he was out of options.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Nick and Maria were trying to ignore the soulmate subject completely, but he could tell there was a distance between them that hadn’t been there before. He did his best to be caring and romantic, and show his love for her, but she seemed to react as if he was doing something out of guilt. He felt as if she was treating him like a cheating husband who was asking forgiveness from her. Considering he had always been faithful, and despite the match had no intention of acting on it, this rankled. He felt she was being unfair. The air between them was heavy with things left unsaid.

The only bright spot seemed to be work, as long as he didn’t have to come into contact with Barba of course. He and Liv had got their working relationship back, and were getting on much better now. 

One day they were stuck on a stake-out and he was gazing despondently out of the window when she decided to ask him about his obviously unhappy mood.

“What’s wrong Nick?” she asked. “I know it’s none of my business, but I’d like to think we’re friends as well as work partners. I can tell you’ve not been happy recently, and it might help to talk about it.”

Nick looked at her briefly, before deciding he would confide in her. He hadn’t had anyone to talk to about this since it started. An insight from another woman into the problem may give him clues to help him reassure Maria. He didn’t say anything, but took his left hand out of his pocket and removed his wedding ring, holding out his hand so Liv could see the brown strands circling his finger.

Liv gasped. She didn’t spend a lot of time looking at his hands, and the wedding ring had covered the marks up mostly. “Wow. That’s new isn’t it?” She saw Nick nod. Then it hit her what the problem was. “And it’s not Maria either. You would have had them a long time ago if it was.” Nick nodded again.  “Who is it?” she asked in a quiet voice.

Nick wasn’t going to tell her, but then he realized that for her to fully understand the situation he was in, she would need to know who it was. She probably would be able to spot tension between them too. “It’s Barba,” he answered. He turned to watch her face as this sunk in. “Before you ask, no I’m not gay or bisexual. I’ve never been involved with a man. I’m happy with Maria, or at least, we were happy until this happened.”

Liv frowned. “I can see it would be difficult for her to accept that her husband has just been soul-matched with another man. I’m not sure how I would react in those circumstances. Probably not well.”

“Great, thanks Liv, that’s a great help!” Nick said sarcastically. “She’s treating me like I’ve been unfaithful, and it’s so unfair. I’ve done nothing wrong! I love her and want my life with her, not with that arrogant ass of an ADA I have to work with. God knows how this happened.”

Liv tried to explain it from what she guessed would be Maria’s perspective. “She’s feeling threatened. It’s the worst thing that could happen to your marriage from her point of view. With all the hype about soulmates, she doesn’t understand how you could not be attracted to him, and probably thinks no matter what your intention is, sooner or later you will give in to it. All the movies and stories about soulmates show that people are drawn irresistibly together, and there is almost an electric attraction between soulmates. Even if that isn’t true, it’s what she believes. It doesn’t help that there are no reported cases of soulmate matches being wrong.”

Nick rubbed his temple. This conversation was giving him a headache. “So what can I do?” he asked.

Liv frowned. “If the reports of this attraction aren’t true, tell her that. Tell her that you love her and show her too.”

“I’ve tried that. I’ve given her gifts, taken her out for romantic dates, told her I love her. None of it seems to help,” Nick told her despondently. “As for Barba, yeah, there is something almost electric between us, so I can’t tell her that isn’t there, but I’m not about to do anything about it.”

Liv’s eyebrows rose up. “So it is true then?”

Nick glared at her.

“How is Barba reacting to this? Have you spoken to him?” Liv asked. She hadn’t noticed anything strange between them, but then they hadn’t had a lot of contact, and she didn’t know the ADA well.

Nick shrugged. “He’s no happier about it than I am. He says he’s not gay either, and likes women. We’ve had to fill in forms for the DA and 1PP to disclose the match, and we had an argument about that, but other than that I’ve just been avoiding him.”

“Who else knows?” Liv queried.

“Captain Harris was there when we met, and figured out immediately from our reactions what was going on, and he told Cragen. I’ve only told Maria and now you. Barba said he’d told his mom. Now we’ve filled in disclosure forms some other people may know, but that’s about it. It’s not exactly something I want anyone to know about.”

“I can understand that. Don’t worry – I won’t say anything. But I’m here for you if you want to talk anytime.” Liv felt sympathy for Nick and Maria. It must be a very difficult position to be in. She herself had never met her soulmate, and hadn’t really expected to. In many ways she was married to the job, although she had various relationships over the years. Nothing too serious though.

“Thanks Liv.” Nick said with a grateful look at his partner. Just talking about it helped a bit, even if she didn’t have any suggestions of what else he could do to reassure Maria. It helped that she thought he was doing the right thing though.

***

 A month later there was an annual fund-raising gala that was in aid of the NYPD Family Fund. All departments were expected to be represented including SVU. They put names into a hat to figure out who had the dubious honor of going, with Nick and Liv both getting the short straws so were attending, along with Cragen. The only good point Nick thought was that partners were included, so Maria was coming with him. Considering their now rocky relationship, spending another evening out without her wouldn’t help. He made some enquiries of Cragen, who checked the guest list and confirmed that Barba wouldn’t be there. That relieved Nick’s mind.

It was a pretty swish affair, at one of the hotels in the middle of the district. Nick, Maria and Liv were sat in the ballroom having a drink before the event started when Nick suddenly stiffened and put his glass down with a bump onto the table, nearly spilling it. Unfortunately his reaction was pretty obvious to both Maria and Liv, although they didn’t realize what had caused it. But Maria guessed, knowing her husband well.

“It’s him isn’t it? I thought you said he wasn’t going to be here?” she hissed at him.

Nick didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t deny that his reaction was a result of Barba walking into the hotel: he hadn’t seen the other man but his body was reacting to the man’s presence even though they weren’t even in the same room.

“I was told he wasn’t coming. I did ask and Cragen checked for me.” Nick replied. He saw Maria craning her head to look round the room. “He’s not in here. I haven’t seen him,” he added.

Maria’s eyes widened. “So you reacted that strongly to him even though he’s not even in this room. Oh my God, how can you expect me to believe this is no threat to us?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but got up swiftly and walked out. She needed to get out of there before she did something embarrassing like burst into tears, throw her drink at her husband, or both.  

Nick looked helplessly at Liv, who gave him a sympathetic look, and then went after Maria. If she could smooth things over or at least check up on her, she would feel better. She followed the retreating figure into a ladies washroom down the hall, which luckily wasn’t busy, and knocked on the only closed stall.

“Maria, it’s Liv. I’m sorry Barba has turned up tonight. Believe me, Nick did ask Cragen and made it quite clear that he would only come tonight if Barba wasn’t going to attend. He’s done everything he can do to avoid him.” Liv could hear quiet crying inside the cubicle, and waited patiently outside for Maria to pull herself together.

Five minutes later, the door unlocked, and Maria came out. She washed her hands, and got out some make-up from her purse to repair the damage that her crying had done. Eventually she faced Liv. “How long have you known?” she asked.

“About a month.  We were on stakeout, and I could tell something was wrong as he has been unhappy. So he told me about it. I haven’t told anyone else though. It must be a very difficult situation for you both,” Liv commented.

Maria nodded, and Liv could see her eyes filling with tears again. “He says he avoids Barba and doesn’t want anything to do with him, but how can I trust that with what I know about soulmates? And when he reacts as strongly as he just did when the man just walks into the same building – not even the same room? I can’t just ignore it, or pretend that I’m not worried that one day he will give in to the draw of his soulmate. I don’t think I can live like this.”

Liv didn’t know what to say. He put her hand on Maria’s arm and squeezed. “All I can tell you is that Nick is an honorable man. He loves you and wants his life with you. That hasn’t changed. But if you don’t trust him or keep treating as if he’s doing something wrong, it will undermine your marriage.”

Maria nodded then took in a deep breath, before giving Liv a hesitant smile, then squaring her shoulders as she prepared to face other people again. She checked herself in the mirror one last time then headed out of the restroom, only to stop dead in the hallway. By the coat-check at the other end of the hall she could see Barba who had just handed his coat in. She recognized him immediately. She hesitated for a moment, and then headed straight for him.

Liv followed, but wasn’t sure what to do. She could hardly drag Maria away. She saw Barba stop as it was obvious that Maria was heading straight for him, but he didn’t know who she was. Liv stopped by them just as Maria spoke.

“ADA Rafael Barba?” she said. He nodded, and then looked at Liv.

“Barba, this is Maria Amaro,” Liv introduced them, not seeing any way out of this. She immediately saw the shock and dismay on Barba’s face, as he realized who the attractive woman in front of him was, and that she knew exactly who he was too.

“Mrs Amaro, I didn’t realize you would be here tonight,” Barba commented, glancing at Liv.

“My husband told me that it’s you that wouldn’t be attending,” Maria commented, glaring at him.

Barba ignored the look. “Half of the DA’s office is down with flu, so I got pressed into coming at the last minute. I have to make an appearance and represent the DA, but I don’t plan to be here all night.” Especially if you and Amaro are here, he thought to himself. He had realized that the detective was there when he arrived, but being cornered by his wife was more than he bargained for.

“I think we have a few things to discuss,” Maria commented, looking at Barba, and then turning to Liv. “If you would excuse us.”

Liv looked at Barba to check if that was okay with him, and saw his subtle nod, and then backed away.

Barba turned towards the bar in the opposite direction to where the event was being held. “Would you like a drink, Mrs Amaro? I could certainly do with one.” She nodded and followed him to the bar, and then they waited in silence while he ordered drinks for them both. They then sat at a small table in the corner, well away from any other patrons.

Maria looked at the smartly dressed man in a tux sat next to her. He had his left hand in his pocket, and had been careful to keep his ring finger out of her sight since they met. She had sneaked into court one day without telling Nick, just so she could see him close up and in action. She couldn’t deny he was attractive, and quite charismatic, as well as obviously good at his job. It hadn’t made her feel better. She didn’t quite know what she wanted to say to him, but better the devil you know, she had decided.

“What was it you wanted to discuss?” Barba asked here.

She looked disbelievingly at him. “I can’t believe you just asked that, as if we have nothing to talk about.”

“We don’t, that I know of,” Barba replied. “Yes, I have apparently been soul-matched to your husband, but neither of us is happy about that, and we have no intention of pursuing any type of personal relationship. We avoid each other at work if we can too. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and have no plans to do anything to endanger yours. I am not the enemy here.” He had decided he needed to be as open and honest with her as he could.

Maria looked at him, but could see no sign that he was lying. “Nick told me you aren’t interested in men,” she commented quietly.

“No I’m not,” Barba replied. “I like women, a lot, although I’ve never been fortunate to have a relationship such as the one you have.”

Maria thought for a few seconds before asking her next question. “Are you involved with anyone at the moment?”

Barba sighed. “No. It seems less likely than ever now. I met a very nice woman last month, but she wouldn’t consider getting involved with me because of this,” he said, removing his hand from his pocket and indicating the brown ring around his finger.     

Maria stopped, transfixed by the brown markings which she could see were an exact match to those on her husband’s finger. He realized his mistake and moved to hide his hand away again, but she caught it, and held on, looking closely at the intricate strands that encircled his ring finger. He didn’t pull away.

“Look, none of us likes this situation the three of us find ourselves in. But I don’t know of any way we can reverse it. All we can do is avoid each other whenever possible.” He laughed ironically. “In fact, do you realize I’ve spent longer with you alone and had more personal conversation with you than with your husband?”

Maria looked shocked. “Really?”

“Yes. We have both been in meetings at work, but have only been alone once, for about 3 minutes, and other than that have had no personal conversation at all.” Barba waited to see if she had any more questions for him. He really didn’t know what he could do to reassure her. She was obviously struggling with this.

“So how are you coping with this? Do you have anyone to talk to, and some support?” Barba asked gently. Although he was often brash and abrasive with victims at work, he had spent enough time working with SVU that some of their empathy was rubbing off on him.

Maria shrugged. “I’ve told one of my close friends who is married to her soulmate. She says she can’t imagine a match being wrong and having a relationship with anyone else, which really didn’t help.”

Barba sighed. “I imagine it didn’t. But everyone’s relationship is different, and you are in a different position to her. You’ve got an existing relationship, and your husband is keen to make it work. Believe in that.”

Maria looked at him. “You’ve not used his name at all,” she commented. “Why not?”

Barba shrugged. “At work he’s Detective Amaro, but I can hardly call him that when talking to you. I’ve never called him by his first name, or any of the other detectives for that matter. It implies a non-work relationship that isn’t there.”

Maria nodded. She thought it would be more difficult if he was calling her husband Nick. It would put her even more on edge.

They sat in silence for a few minutes and finished their drinks, then both got up and headed back to the gala area. Just before they reached the doorway, Barba stopped and put his hand on Maria’s arm. “Did it help you, meeting me?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she answered. “In one way meeting you has made it more real to me. But I believe you have no plans to break up our marriage. I think I like you, which isn’t good. It would be much easier if I hated you.” She smiled at him.

Barba smirked. “Why didn’t you say that before? Believe me; I’ve got a talent for making people hate me!”

Maria laughed, and then headed into the ballroom. Barba watched her walk away, and saw Nick sat with Liv at one of the tables. He briefly met Nick’s gaze, then nodded and turned around, walking away from the ballroom. He could stay in the other room and network there. He would keep his distance as much as possible until he could escape.

Nick watched Maria walk back to the table, feeling worried. He had been upset when Liv told him what had happened, and she had used all her powers of persuasion to stop him going after them. Instead she had convinced him that he needed to wait and trust Maria. When she finally reached them and sat down, he reached for her hand and kissed it.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly. She nodded.

“I just got to know your soulmate a bit better,” she said. “In fact, he told me that we’ve had more time alone and personal conversation than he’s ever had with you.”

Nick looked surprised. “That’s probably true. You’ve been gone a while. I’ve only really spoken to him once when it wasn’t work-related, and that was only for a couple of minutes.”

“That’s what he said,” Maria confirmed. She was pleased their stories matched up. She was starting to feel a bit better, as if Rafael Barba wasn’t the enemy, but another unfortunate person caught up in the same nightmare they both were. It didn’t help any of them, but she did believe what he had told her.

Nick didn’t bother asking what they had discussed, but waited to see if she would say anything further. When she didn’t, he changed the subject, and was extra attentive to her all night. He could tell when Barba left and felt relieved. This evening could have gone much worse.


	5. Chapter 5

Things didn’t seem to improve much between Nick and Maria. She was still uncommunicative and distant with him, and now she had started lying. He nipped home with a surprise lunch for them when an interview was only a few blocks from home, but she wasn’t there. When he finished work later that night he asked her how her day had been, and she had outright lied and said she had been at home all day.

A similar thing happened the following week. He got home from work early and texted her, asking her how her day was and what she was doing, and she replied that she was at home. After this, he became suspicious, and when the opportunity came to follow her, he did so. He saw her go into a house, where a man he could see clearly answered the door to her. On another occasion he sat across the street in his car and watched her laughing with a man in a café, glass of wine in hand. This time he recognized the man as Jason, who had served in Iraq with her.  

Nick hated to think that she was cheating on him, but what was he meant to think? He let it stew in his mind. He was the one who had met his soulmate but was committed to their marriage and yet here she was, running round with another man.

Nick let his anger build, and eventually, fueled by a case gone bad, it exploded. After another occasion of Maria lying to him, he drove to Philadelphia and stormed round to Jason’s house and punched him, telling him to stay away from his wife.

He went back to work feeling better in one respect, but knowing his actions had likely made things worse. He was right. Maria stormed into the precinct and laid into him, in front of all the squad.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she demanded.

Nick tried to stay calm, hoping to avoid a scene. “Maria, what are you doing?”

It didn’t work. “No, no, I want to know why you drive to Philly, you attack a friend of mine…”

At this Nick saw red. She was still planning to deny it? “A friend? You can call him a friend to my face?” He knew he had issues with his temper, but being embarrassed at work in front of everyone was unacceptable.

Neither of them even noticed their audience, until Cragen got Nick’s attention and told him to take it elsewhere.

The quick break as he led her to a more private room hadn’t helped Nick calm down. “You come to the station, you embarrass me in front of my squad…” he shouted.

But Maria could give as good as she got. “You assault Jason. Have you lost your mind?”

Nick confronted her with the evidence he had, but she wouldn’t admit she had done anything wrong. In fact she went on the attack because he had followed her.

“You followed me,” Maria spat out.

“You lied to me,” Nick retorted.

The fight went on and on, with neither of them giving ground. Maria refused to admit she was having an affair and Nick didn’t believe her.

In the end Maria knew she would have to tell Nick the truth; it was the only way he would believe what she was telling him. But it was hard. She could feel her eyes welling up with tears as she remembered how she had finally given in and admitted she couldn’t deal with the problems the soulmate issue had caused.

“I’ve been seeing a shrink. I didn’t tell you because I know you can’t handle it because you want everything to be perfect, well it’s not like that, I’m not like that.” Maria could feel tears start to roll down her face.

Nick saw this and felt bad. He knew even though she hadn’t articulated it, just why she had felt she needed psychiatric help. “I didn’t…”

Maria interrupted. “No you didn’t think. Because you don’t trust me.”

She gathered her strength to leave, but couldn’t resist one last parting shot. “I’m your wife. You can’t treat me like one of your suspects.” She walked out, ignoring his pleas.

“Maria...Maria, listen.” Nick tried to backtrack as he watched her walk away from him.  

“Stay away,” was her parting shot as she walked out of the room.   

***

He stayed at work as long as he could, trying to concentrate on the case rather than the train-wreck his marriage had turned into.

When he got home that night they didn’t speak, and the cold silence lasted weeks although they made an effort to be civil in front of Zara. Where possible, Nick worked overtime, or crashed at the precinct to avoid going home. He knew this couldn’t continue, but he put off the inevitable confrontation as long as possible.

With time, he did think about it more rationally, and could admit to himself that he didn’t handle it well. He knew he shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, and assumed that Maria was having an affair without real proof, and he couldn’t deny that following her in the first place was a sign he didn’t trust her. But she had been treating him so badly for so long now, when it wasn’t his fault, so surely she could see why he had reacted the way he had? He realized he was now calm enough and needed to finally have the conversation he had been avoiding.

But he had left it too long. By the time they sat down to talk about their problems, Maria had made up her mind. She told him she had taken a job in Washington, and was moving there, taking Zara with her. Nick was flabbergasted. He hadn’t imagined that things were so bad between them that she would just give up. But she reasoned that she could never trust that he would be able to withstand the pull of his soulmate, and he obviously didn’t trust her. Without trust their marriage was over. She said she couldn’t live like this, and it was bad for Zara. She wanted to leave now, and make a life for herself without him in it as anything but Zara’s father.

Nick tried to reason with her, to convince her to stay, but it was too late. She packed her cases and Zara’s and they left, leaving Nick at home alone, devastated.

***

Liv realized something was up pretty quickly, and questioned him. Nick confided in her and she was sympathetic, but honestly not surprised. The cracks had been widening between him and Maria since he had met Barba, and she had privately thought it was only a matter of time before their marriage fell apart. She wasn’t about to tell Nick that though. He was her partner, and she was there to support him as he built a life for himself alone.

As Maria and Nick had had a very public argument, he had been the subject of gossip, and it didn’t take long for the news of his marriage breakdown to spread. Nick ignored all the whispers, and no-one in SVU would discuss it with anyone outside the squad, but it did still spread to the DAs office.

One evening after Rafael had finished prepping Liv for a case they were about to take to court, he decided to ask her about it. He offered her a drink, and they sat down together on the couch in his office to enjoy a glass of whiskey each. It wasn’t the first time this had happened; they had become closer the more time they had spent together, and she was starting to consider him a friend. She suspected there was more to this offer of a drink than just being friendly though.

“Liv, I know this isn’t really any of my business, but there are rumors spreading round here about Amaro.” He frowned and looked at his drink. “I don’t usually listen to gossip, but considering our position,” he waved his left hand in case she was in any doubt about what he meant, “I just wanted to know. Is it true that his wife has left him?”

Liv sighed. Normally she wouldn’t have dreamt of discussing one of her colleague’s private life with him, but she did feel that he was involved in this situation. “Yes, it’s true.”

“Oh God, it’s because of me isn’t it? I believe in marriage. The last thing I wanted to do was cause a rift between them. That’s one reason I’ve avoided him, even at work. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken this job here.” Rafael felt guilty, even though he knew he had done his best to ignore his soulmate.

“No. It wasn’t because of you. You shouldn’t think like that,” Liv insisted. “I think the original rift between them was because of the soulmate issue, but things went on from then. She lied and deliberately kept things from him, and he didn’t trust her because of that and accused her of having an affair. He even followed her and punched one of her friends.”

She paused for a few seconds to gather her thoughts. “Look, you’ve done nothing wrong. If you hadn’t taken this job I think we would have lost more cases than we have, because you’re great at your job.” She saw him regain a bit of his usual arrogance at that and smirk at her. He did love being told how good he was. “The fact that you are soulmates is no-one’s fault, and you have kept well away. If Nick and Maria couldn’t handle it, then that is not your fault. That was down to them.”

He slowly nodded. “I hate this. All our lives being turned upside down. Meeting your soulmate is meant to be a joyous occasion, to improve the lives of both people, not wreck them.”

Liv looked puzzled. “I know what it’s done to Nick’s life, but has it really had such an impact on yours?”

Rafael looked at her for a minute, not sure how much to share. It was true he was starting to think of her as a friend, and he had no-one else to confide in, but still… “I don’t think this is a conversation to have in the office, even if it is out of hours. Do you have plans now? We could get a few drinks and dinner?”

Liv nodded and smiled. “That sounds good. It’s a long time since lunch and I’m starving.” She finished her drink and stood up, waiting for him to lock up as they left the office and headed to a nearby restaurant.

They were waiting for their food to be delivered before the conversation resumed. “So come on Rafael, tell me how this has wrecked your life.” Liv started. It felt strange to be calling him by his first name, but he had asked her to use it outside work.

“I wouldn’t go as far as to say it has wrecked it, but it certainly isn’t helping. I can’t hide the marks unlike Amaro, so it’s led to many awkward questions. Everyone wants to know who it is, and although I can put some people off, I can’t do that with close friends, or my mom. If I say it’s a man, I have to then try to convince them I’m not gay, and haven’t been closeted for years.” Rafael sighed as he remembered some of the conversations he’d had over the last few months.

“Then there is the issue of my personal life. That has been wrecked by this. I have enjoyed the company of many women over the years, mainly casual, nothing really serious, but now I can’t even have that.” He looked at Liv and saw her looking confused. “As soon as any woman sees the marks, they run in the opposite direction. I’ve tried refusing to talk about it, telling them my soulmate is dead; I even told one woman my soulmate was in prison. Nothing works. No woman will consider being with a man who has a soulmate.”

Liv was trying not to smile, thinking about the excuses he had made when women had spotted the telltale marks on his finger. He saw the look and immediately glared at her. “This isn’t funny. I don’t think I’m ever going to get laid again!” he hissed at her.

“I’m sorry, Rafael. I realize it must be very frustrating for you,” She said.

He glared again at her choice of words. Just then their food arrived, so they stopped talking to eat. When they finished, Liv tried to resurrect the conversation.

“I really can’t think of a good excuse you could give any woman about your soulmate markings. I know if I met a man with them I wouldn’t be inclined to get involved with him, and having seen how an existing strong relationship didn’t withstand the pressure put on by it, I don’t like your chances.”

“Great, that’s really positive, Liv.” Rafael grumbled, taking another swig of his whiskey and holding up his glass to the waiter to indicate he wanted a refill.

“There are a few options open to you. One is to pay for companionship, but I don’t think that’s sensible considering your job.” She met his withering glare with a smirk, and then turned more serious. “So I think you have two choices; you either accept the fact that you are likely to be living the life of a monk from now on, or give in to the inevitable.” Liv saw Rafael’s eyebrows rise as she said this.

“And what exactly do you consider inevitable?” he asked, having a pretty good idea, but wanting her to articulate it.

“You accept that the only relationship you are likely to be able to have is with Nick. He is your soulmate after all. Despite not being your type, there must be something there, and it’s helped along by a whole host of chemistry and pheromones. So be open-minded and try it.”

Rafael snorted. “Just like that, huh? Have you tried that line on Amaro yet? I’d love to see his face when you do.”

Liv shook her head, smiling. “No. It’s not something he’s ready to hear yet.”

“But you think I am?” Barba queried. “And he’s not just ‘not my type’; he’s a totally different gender to my type. I think that’s quite a big deal.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I think it’s something you should consider. Or are you homophobic?”

“No, I’m not,” he quickly answered. “But that doesn’t mean it’s something I want to try myself. I’ve never been attracted to a man before.”

“Before…so you are attracted to Nick.” Liv pounced on his answer.

Rafael groaned when he realized what he had said. He usually wouldn’t fall into that trap, but the drinks had made him less cautious with his words than usual. “That’s not what I meant, and really I wouldn’t say I am attracted to him. Yes there is chemistry between us, especially when we are in close proximity to each other, but that’s different to me actually wanting to go to bed with him. Come on Liv, I bet you wouldn’t be happy if you met your soulmate and it turned out to be a woman. You’d have the same problems with it.”

Liv took a sip of her wine as she decided how honest to be with her answer. She decided to open up as much as he had done to her. She looked straight at Rafael as she answered. “I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all, as I am more open-minded than you. I’ve already faced the situation of finding myself attracted to a woman.”

Rafael looked open-mouthed at Liv. This he hadn’t expected. “Really? So you’ve been involved with a woman in the past?”

“Yes,” Liv answered. “It was one of your predecessors actually. Do you have a problem with that?”

Rafael laughed. “Are you going to tell me that David Hayden was really a woman?”

Liv glared at him. “No he wasn’t.”

“So you really have a thing for lawyers then,” he commented, smirking at her. “I don’t see you and Casey Novak together, but Alex Cabot… yeah I could see that.”

Liv gave him the evil eye and took a sip of her wine, but didn’t deny it. She and Alex had been together for a year before the shooting when she had been rushed into witness protection, and by the time she eventually got back, things had changed between them. They had decided to stay as just friends after that.

“I think we’re getting off the subject here. We’re talking about you and Nick, not me and Alex.” Liv reminded him, wanting to get the subject off her past love life.

Rafael sobered immediately. “There is no ‘me and Nick’, and I doubt there ever will be,” he said.

“Look, there’s more to being in a relationship than sex, like friendship, trust, companionship, shared values. As you and Nick are soulmates, then these other things are what you should concentrate on building between you. Don’t just think of the sex and decide you don’t want to consider that. The two of you need to spend time together and become friends. That is possible, even if nothing else happens. You wouldn’t be soulmates if you weren’t compatible in most ways.” Liv was convinced from what she knew of the two men that they could get on really well if they both gave it a chance. The problem was that they were both stubborn and pig-headed, and neither of them seemed willing to back down from their position of avoiding each other.

“I’ll think about it. But I don’t see him agreeing to spend time with me even if I decided to try and work on being friends with him,” he commented.

Liv smiled. “He’s my partner. I’ll work on him. But it may take some time; I think he needs to get over his marriage breaking down first. At the moment you are probably a reminder of what started the problems.” She thought she would be able to get through to Nick eventually, but now was not the time. She would be satisfied with planting the seed in Rafael’s mind. She was a believer that soulmates were destined to be together. If she could give both these men a nudge in the right direction, she would.


	6. Chapter 6

Liv didn’t have much success working on Nick. She tried to have a conversation with him about becoming friends with Barba, although not suggesting to him that they ever become more than that, but she didn’t think it really sunk in. She had always known he was a passionate man and quick to anger, but he seemed to be having difficulty controlling it now. He had admitted to her that he needed to find a way to forgive Maria for what had happened to their marriage, for Zara’s sake, but this resulted in the focus of his anger turning towards work. It also seemed to grow, not diminish over time.

He had a big blow up with Barba as they were investigating the case against his old childhood friend, Alejandro Muñoz, and Liv had been really worried when they had a confrontation in the elevator. She took Nick out for a coffee after that and discussed it with him, pointing out that Barba had tried to recuse himself but the DA hadn’t allowed it, and that he had never told them to stop the investigation, just cautioned them to be careful as it was so close to the election. Nick seemed to calm down a bit, and by the end of the case, he even buried the hatchet, although he wouldn’t go as far as apologizing. Liv didn’t think that Barba would normally have accepted that, but he had been making more of an effort with Nick recently, so that helped things settle down between them quickly.

***

Following the case in which a Coast Guard Ensign was raped, and Nick had been given a file by Maria which had nearly forced a mistrial, Rafael decided he needed to say something to Nick. He cornered him in the bar that the detectives often used, and told him they needed to talk. Nick was wary, but didn’t refuse.

“Are you going to have a go at me again for nearly wrecking the last case?” Nick bit out.

Rafael took in a deep breath to calm himself. “No, I’m not. I know it wasn’t your fault, as you didn’t know what the military rules are concerning testimony. But I do think that you were set up deliberately.”

“Not by Maria,” Nick defended. “She wouldn’t do that because she cares about how women in the military are treated. She was trying to help the case.”

Rafael raised his eyebrows. “Not even to drive a wedge between us or get back at me for what’s happened to your marriage?”

Nick shook his head. “She doesn’t blame you for what happened. You made quite an impression on her, and she sees you as another victim of this soulmate mistake. ”

Rafael smirked. “That must piss you off,” he commented, then realized that was a mistake as he was trying to get on better with the detective, not irritate him more. “Look Nick,” he said, seeing the way the detective’s eyes opened when he used this name for the first time, but ignoring it. “If it wasn’t Maria, it was someone else, who either wanted this case to fail for personal reasons, or potentially because they wanted you or me in trouble. They nearly succeeded because I didn’t know what was going on. I need to be kept in the loop with the investigation, which means better communication, especially between the two of us. I know this isn’t an easy situation, but unless we get on better and stop avoiding each other, this could happen again.”

Nick took a sip of his drink and eventually nodded. He couldn’t deny that if the ADA prosecuting this last case had been anyone else, he would have discussed asking Maria to dig for information before going ahead, and definitely before reading the file himself. “Okay. I’ll try.” He looked the other man in the eye to convey his sincerity and felt a wave of the pheromones that he struggled to ignore when the two of them were this close to each other. He would try, but he hated this situation, and how he felt when they were around each other.  

***

Time gave Rafael and Nick some opportunities to improve their relationship. One thing they had in common which drew them together was their friendships with Liv, and over the next few months this brought them closer together.

They worked together to support Liv during the trial of William Lewis, which was harrowing; and she relied on support from both men during that ordeal more than Brian, her boyfriend. She had never told him exactly what she had gone through, whereas both Rafael and Nick were involved in the case, so they had known, and she didn’t feel she needed to hide her ordeal from them.  

Then the horror started again, with William Lewis escaping from prison and going on a killing rampage. Nick knew how worried Rafael was about Liv, and kept in touch with him, keeping him informed of the progress in finding her. This was mainly by text messages and phone conversation, and Nick found this an effective way to keep in contact. Keeping physically away from each other was definitely easiest on both of them, as that way they weren’t affected by the arousal that they felt when they were in the same room.

Although the eventual showdown finally saw William Lewis dead and Liv safe, the investigation and grand jury following his death brought more angst to her. Thankfully they didn’t find sufficient evidence to call for her arrest, but it was close and she struggled. Again she had Nick as her partner by her side, and support from Rafael, even though he wasn’t directly involved in the case.  

***

Rafael’s private life had been pretty boring, with only one bright speck during his slog from one case to another.

He had worked with Connie Rubirosa, an Assistant U.S. Attorney in the Southern District of New York who was heading the task force on underage sex trafficking. He had needed her help to get Clare Metcalfe, a rape victim, released from New Jersey. The two of them got along well and spent quite a bit of time together. Their relationship was purely professional, until he invited her out for a drink after their work on the case was concluded. He had felt there was some chemistry between them and had decided he had nothing to lose in approaching her.

They had dinner in an upscale restaurant, and Rafael spent quite a bit of the evening flirting with her. She was more cautious about flirting back, but didn’t do anything to put him off either. By the time they finished their meal and headed to her hotel and got a drink in the lounge, she had made a decision.

She swirled her glass of wine and took a sip before looking up at the attractive man she had spent the evening with. “I don’t get involved with men I work with. I made that mistake early-on in my career and since then I have always kept my work relationships strictly professional.”

Rafael nodded. “It’s a sensible rule. But we don’t work together usually; in fact it is unlikely our professional paths will cross again now that this case is concluded.”

She nodded, realizing this was true. “The task force covers a large area, and I do a lot of travelling. I don’t have time for a relationship, and frankly, I don’t want one at the moment. Plus, don’t you think there is something you should tell me about?” she said, picking up his left hand and running her finger over the brown markings on his ring finger.

Rafael felt a shiver go through him. It was a long time since anyone had held his hand, let alone a woman as attractive as she was. “I’m not with my soulmate, and don’t see that ever changing, or at least no time soon. I’m single, and to be honest, I’m not sure that I have time for a relationship either. But how about something shorter and less complicated?” He turned his hand the other way up and held her hand, with his thumb rubbing over the delicate skin of her wrist.

She smiled and nodded, then finished her drink. He did the same, and they rose and headed towards the elevator without any more conversation. She invited him into her room, and he followed her in and closed the door, before walking up to her and taking her head in his hand while he moved in for a kiss. After such a long time being alone, this was exactly what he needed.

They spent the night together, making love multiple times, with Rafael determined to make the most of this opportunity. In the morning, he had to leave early so he could get home to change before work, and she told him she would be in touch. She texted him the following day to tell him that she was on her way out of town with the task force, but thanking him for their time together. Rafael could read the rejection in it. They were both busy people, and knew that it wouldn’t go anywhere, but at least he had one night with her, and it was a great antidote to work and the soulmate issue.

***

Nick had had his own problems over the last 6 months, when he had faced the grand jury himself after paralyzing a 14 year old while backing up a uniformed officer. Rafael had called Nick when he found himself in front of the grand jury after shooting an unarmed teenager, and although wary, Nick had accepted his help and advice. It had brought the two of them closer, but they would still not have said they were friends.

Although not enough of the grand jurors had voted to hold Nick over for trial, the Mayor making him an example of the new crack-down on police brutality and the IAB investigation had fueled his anger.

He managed to get it under control with the help of the anger management training he had to go on, but it flared up again when a famous photographer with fantasies of torturing children got away with trying to make them real. He saw the man at a park photographing children, and found himself unable to stop himself from lashing out. When he started hitting the man, he found he couldn’t stop, and all the anger he had been suppressing for the last year erupted.

There was nothing Rafael could do to help when Nick was arrested for the assault, although he did try. He spoke to the ADA handling his case, but it did no good as he was on record as being Nick’s soulmate, so everything he had to say was taken as biased and ignored. He thought it ironic that now he could go out and tell a woman honestly that his soulmate was in jail.

Luckily SVU managed to get the man to back down, although Nick was demoted. It gave Rafael a respite from having to deal with him at work, but he found that although he had expected this to make things easier, it didn’t. He missed the other man, something that surprised him. 

One thing that Nick had avoided for years – therapy – was mandated as a condition of him keeping his job. He resisted to start with, but after speaking to Liv and hearing how much it had helped her, he decided it couldn’t make things worse so started co-operating.

The therapist was keen to get to the bottom of Nick’s anger. He kept backtracking through Nick’s life to figure out where the problems had started. Although Nick had had difficulties with anger even from being a teenager as a result of his father’s treatment of him, he knew the recent issues were due to meeting his soulmate. The therapist soon figured that out too.

“So do you believe that the source of your anger is your soulmate match?” the therapist asked.

Nick sighed. He had known this was coming, and he really didn’t want to talk about it, but knew he had to. He hadn’t been managing to deal with it on his own after all. “Yes,” he answered shortly.

“Why did this disturb you so much? Most people are keen to find their soulmate.” The therapist commented.

Nick glared at him. “I was married at the time, happily married, and then I met my soulmate, who is a man.”

“Have you had relationships with men before?”

Nick exploded. “No, I haven’t, and I’m not in a relationship with a man now. I like women.” He saw the therapist watching him calmly despite his outburst. Nick knew that reaction had given the man proof that this was the source of his anger.

“How would you characterize your relationship with this man?”

Nick sighed and tried to get his reactions under control. ”We work together, and most of the time we are trying to get on okay, although we have had arguments in the past. We aren’t really friends though, or anything more.”

“Do you want more?”

Nick glared at him. “I’ve told you, I’m straight. I don’t want a relationship with any man.”

The therapist thought for a minute. “The soulmate connection is very strong. The pheromone release resulting in arousal between soulmates is very difficult to resist, even for those already in existing relationships. I doubt that the reaction is any different between soulmates of the same gender.”

Nick shrugged. “I wouldn’t know what other soulmates feel.”

“But you know what the studies have shown, and I’m sure you have spoken to people who have met their soulmates. Does what you feel in close proximity to your soulmate sound like the usual reaction?”

Nick refused to meet his therapist’s gaze. He looked instead at the man’s hand, seeing the brown banding that proved he had met his soulmate and consequently knew something about the subject. “Yes,” he reluctantly answered, when it became obvious the other man would continue to wait in silence until he answered.

“I think the source of your anger is this soulmate match because you are trying so hard to resist it. It has made you start to question one of the most fundamental things you have believed about yourself since puberty – that you are heterosexual. It’s not surprising that this has resulted in a lot of pent-up anger.” He waited to see if Nick would respond to this. Eventually he did.

“Okay, so how do I get rid of the anger? Because if I don’t, I think I could lose my daughter as well as my job. I can’t continue like this.” Nick was sure of this. Maria had been understanding when she had to sign papers to pay his bail when he had been accused of shooting the teenager, but had refused outright to help him this time. She had made it quite clear that Zara didn’t need his anger, and unless he got it under control, she would be going back to court to change their custody arrangements permanently.

His therapist saw that Nick was finally ready to listen, and hopefully do what he should have done before it got this bad. “You need to confront this and not avoid it, and explore a relationship between you and your soulmate. I’m not saying that this needs to be sexual, but you do need to resolve this.”

Nick sighed heavily. Liv had been making more comments to him about becoming friends with Barba, and although he had ignored her, he could now see that she was right. “Okay. I’ll talk to him,” he promised.


	7. Chapter 7

But before he got chance, he got a nasty shock when a skype call from Zara revealed that Maria had a boyfriend, and the two of them had taken Zara away for a weekend. She kept talking about ‘Uncle David’ to Nick, and every time she said the name, it was like a hot poker to Nick’s heart. He managed to not show his reactions to Zara, but inside he was fuming.

To make matters worse, Rafael had rung Liv and told her that he needed the latest case files tonight as he had a deposition in the morning, and one was missing, namely Nick’s. He found it amongst a pile of papers in his desk, and Liv insisted that as he was the one who had screwed up by not leaving the file with the ADA, that he had to get it to him, tonight. So instead of heading home to have a few drinks and stew about Maria and her new man, he had to go to Rafael’s apartment, as the man had already left work for the day.

Nick’s mood hadn’t improved by the time he got to Rafael’s apartment, and so when the door opened, he strode in, thrusting the file out to the ADA. “Here you go, the file as requested. Can I go now?” he bit out.

Rafael was taken-aback by Nick’s attitude. “What’s your problem?” he asked.

“You are my problem! Couldn’t you have checked earlier to see that you had all the files you needed, to save me having to chase over here through rush hour traffic to hand deliver it to you?” Nick glared at the ADA with his hands on his hips.

This pissed off Rafael, who bit back. “Maybe if you had made sure I had received your file on time like I did the others, you wouldn’t have been inconvenienced. Don’t blame your incompetence on me.”

This was the final straw for Nick, who had been itching for a fight since speaking with Zara. He stepped forward and swung at Rafael with his fist, catching him on the cheek and nearly knocking him over.

Rafael staggered backwards and then recovered his footing. He had always been the mouth when he was young, relying on his friend Eddie to do the fighting for him, but inevitably he had got into a few scraps over the years, and he wasn’t about to let Nick get away with that. He moved forward quickly and aimed an uppercut at Nick’s face, catching him unawares, as the detective really hadn’t expected any retaliation.

Nick grabbed Rafael and aimed a fist at him again, but the smaller man ducked, and instead swung one leg behind Nick’s knocking him off balance. Nick held on to him as he started to fall, and both men fell in a tangle onto a small table that Rafael kept by the door. They hit the floor with a crash as the table collapsed under their combined weight, and they wrestled with each other as they rolled over the floor, their bodies in full contact with each other as the fight continued.  

Neither of them was later sure who made the first move, but the close contact of their bodies overwhelmed them, having been resisting the pull of the attraction for so long. The anger merged with passion as their erections ground against each other, and they moved their faces closer, this time for a kiss. Their mouths were open and biting each other, tongues thrusting in each other’s mouths, as their bodies moved to a rhythm of their own,  both of them out of control.

It didn’t last long, and first Nick, then Rafael came, moaning their release and then slowing their movements. Nick rolled off Rafael to lie on the carpet next to him, not really believing what had happened. He hadn’t come in his pants like that since he was a teenager.

Rafael managed to get to his feet after a couple of minutes and moved to his kitchen, pulling a bottle of whiskey and two glasses out of a cupboard and pouring himself a drink, then going to the freezer and pulling out a couple of cold packs. He held one to his face as he sat at the breakfast bar, and tossed the other one to Nick, who was now sitting on the floor.

Nick got up and sat on the stool next to Rafael, pouring himself a hefty double of whiskey and knocking half of it back in one mouthful, and pressing the cold pack to his throbbing face. “Thanks,” he muttered.

Rafael glanced at him. “What for? The whiskey, the cold pack, or…” he glanced down at the carpet where they had been so out of control only a few minutes before.

Nick sighed. “The cold pack. Liv will kill me if I go in with a black eye tomorrow.”

“What do you think the DA will say to me?” Rafael retorted, removing the pack and feeling the tender skin of his face which was already starting to swell. His orgasm had left him feeling mellow, and his anger had faded with the aftermath of the adrenaline from their fight. He replaced the pack and glanced curiously at Nick. “So what brought that on, because I don’t believe you having to come over here tonight with that file warranted that reaction.”

Nick looked embarrassed. “No it didn’t. Sorry. I was itching for a fight and you just happened to be here.” He paused for a minute, and then realized he owed Rafael an explanation. “I Skyped with Zara tonight and she was going on about Uncle David, who is obviously Maria’s new boyfriend. He gets to bring up my daughter and take her out when I can’t. It just got to me.”

“I’m sorry. That must be really hard. But you’re her dad and she won’t forget about you or stop loving you, just because you’re not with her 24/7.”

“I know. Look, I’d better go. You probably want to check those files before your deposition tomorrow. Could I use your bathroom first?” Nick avoided looking Rafael in the eye. He felt so embarrassed at what had happened, but there was no way he wanted to talk about it. He just wanted to get out of there, once he had cleaned up a little. He didn’t need the reminder of how out of control he had been all the way home.

“Second door on the left,” Rafael directed him and then watched Nick walk out of sight as he poured himself another drink. He should be doing some work tonight, but really after what had happened, it wasn’t going to happen. He stood up and looked at his smashed table, then started picking up the pieces. By the time he finished, Nick was watching him from the kitchen bar, although he still avoided his eyes.

“Sorry about the table,” Nick mumbled, as he did up his coat, and then walked to the door, staying as far away from Rafael as possible.

“Don’t worry. It was both of us not just you,” Rafael commented.

“I know, but I started it,” Nick reminded him.

Rafael didn’t reply, but watched as Nick opened the door, then tried to give him his cool pack back. “Keep it,” he said. Nick nodded and then stepped out, shutting the door behind himself.

Rafael looked at the closed door for a minute, before heading to the bathroom himself for a long shower.

***

The next day Nick kept his head down as Liv entered the squad room, not wanting to draw undue attention to himself in front of anyone else. He knew Liv would ask what happened, and there was no way he was answering that question out by his desk. So he waited until Liv was settled in her office, and then went in, shutting the door behind himself.

“What’s up Nick,” Liv asked, before taking a good look at him. “Good lord – what happened?”

Nick grimaced. “I had a fight,” he answered.

“Yes, I can see that, but who with?”

Nick sighed and then looked at her again. “Barba,” he said.

Liv’s eyes opened wide. “He did that to you?” she said, surprised. “I didn’t know he had it in him.”

“I threw the first punch,” Nick admitted.

“So does his face look as bad as yours does?” Liv asked.

“Probably,” was Nick’s answer.

Liv sighed. She knew there had to be more to this than he was telling her. “So what happened to make you start throwing punches at each other?”

Nick told her about his conversation with Zara, and how it had made him feel. He didn’t tell how the fight concluded though.

“So are you going to be able to work with each other?” she asked, as that was her main concern.

“Yeah, I think so. I apologized last night, and he seemed okay about it.”  Nick wasn’t meeting her eyes though, as he still felt embarrassed about how out of control he had been.

Liv sighed. She had hoped they would start getting on better and that they would be able to become friends, but it didn’t look like that was the case.  

“I suppose I should just be glad you didn’t hurt each other more, or do you have any other injuries I can’t see?” she asked.

Nick shook his head. “No, we got a punch in each, and then it was more wrestling than punching. I’ve a couple of bruises from when we smashed his side table and fell to the floor, but nothing bad.”

Liv looked at him, shocked. “You smashed his table?”

Nick shrugged. “We sort of fell on it, and it couldn’t take our combined weight.”

“So what stopped the fight if it got that far?”

Liv saw Nick’s face color and he wasn’t looking at her. “It sort of changed and the anger faded away. It was my fault anyway. I wanted a fight and he happened to be there. I apologized. It’s over now.”

Despite Nick trying to distract her, she picked up on the one thing he didn’t want her to. “It changed from anger to what?” Liv asked. Nick didn’t reply but stood still and tense, looking out of her office window. She could see a muscle clenching in his jaw. “Passion?”

Nick didn’t reply, but she noticed he didn’t deny it.

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me, but you will have to work together, so you need to make sure that it really is over, and not a problem. Have you talked about what happened?”

“No, there’s nothing to talk about,” Nick replied shortly. “He got us both a drink and a cold pack, I apologized, and then I left.”

Liv smiled to herself. Typical male reaction – ignore it and hope it goes away. “I think there probably is something to talk about, especially if the fight ended the way I’m guessing it did. You’ve both been fighting the soulmate match, so the first time you give in to the feelings it brings out in both of you is a big deal.”

Nick turned round and glared at Liv. “I don’t have feelings for Barba.”

Liv laughed out loud at that. “Of course you do. I’m sure the emotions that come to mind when you think about him aren’t all positive ones, but you’re not indifferent to him. Anger, frustration, irritation I’m sure are included, but I know enough about soulmates to know that being around each other also causes arousal. You’ve been fighting that because he’s a man, but it was always likely to overwhelm you at some point. Now you’ve got to deal with it.”

Nick knew what Liv was saying was true. Denying it wasn’t going to work, as he’d been doing that ever since it happened. His shoulders slumped down and he sighed. “I know,” he said quietly. “But I don’t know how.”

Liv came and stood next to him and put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “I know this is difficult for you Nick. I’m always here for you if you want to talk.” She could see by the look on his face that he wasn’t ready for this yet though.

Nick looked at Liv and nodded. “Thanks Liv,” he whispered, before turning and heading out of the office. He needed to stop thinking about it for a bit, as he felt he was going round in circles.

***

Having seen the effect the fight and what had followed had had on Nick, Liv wanted to check on Rafael as well. She rang his cell but it was off, so she left a message suggesting they get a coffee or lunch. A couple of hours later she got a text back, and they agreed a time and place to meet up.

When Liv got there, she saw Rafael sat at the corner table of the café with his sunglasses on, despite the cloudy day. She could guess why he was wearing them though. She sat down after placing her order at the counter and then joined him. She reached forward and pulled his sunglasses off, folding them up and putting them on the table. She inspected the swollen side of his face and puffy eye, and winced.

“I see Nick’s punch did a bit of damage. That’s going to be a shiner,” she commented.

Rafael sighed. “Yes. The DA is not impressed. Luckily I’m not due in court in the next week so he doesn’t need to make any changes, but I got a lecture about professionalism outside the workplace. I suspect you went easier on Amaro.”

Liv nodded. “Yes, but then I know the background to it and what happened, which I’m sure you didn’t tell the DA.”

Rafael looked at Liv, trying to figure out from her expression how much of what happened she knew. She had a good poker face though, so he couldn’t tell.

“So what did Amaro tell you then?” he asked, realizing it was the only way to find out what he wanted to know.

Their food arrived, and Liv took a sip of her coffee and a bite of her toasted sandwich before replying. “He told me why he was in a bad mood and started the fight, how you both got a punch in before it turning more into a wrestling bout, and that your table was a casualty.” Liv could see him relax after she finished, no doubt relieved that Nick hadn’t said more.

“I also have a pretty good idea how the fight ended,” she said, carefully watching Rafael’s face to see his reaction.

He choked on his bagel, and used the time he took to recover to decide what to say next. “Amaro told you?”

Liv smiled. “He said enough to give me a clue, and didn’t deny it when I asked him outright.”

Rafael sighed and put his food down. He had lost his appetite. “Both of us were out of control. But we could have done more damage to each other if the fight had continued, so I suppose it stopping was good. But it’s going to make things awkward between us.”

Liv sighed as well. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told him; ignoring it won’t work. You really need to talk about it. This has been building up ever since you met, and was always going to happen at some point. Now you’ve got to deal with it; both of you.”

Rafael nodded and took a gulp of his drink. “I know. Just give it time. I need to get my head around it, and I’m sure he does too.”

“Okay, but work might not wait until you are ready to sort this out. If we get a case in the meantime you may have to deal with this sooner than you want to.” Liv was determined to not let a victim suffer because these pig-headed men weren’t willing to talk to each other.

***   

Their next case was one of suspected child endangerment so the ADA assigned to the case was one that specialized in children’ cases, which meant both Rafael and Nick got a break from each other. But the case after that was a rape, and there was no way they would be able to avoid each other. Liv assigned Nick to check up the man’s alibi with Amanda, and went to Rafael’s office with Fin, to avoid them seeing each other, but she was losing patience.

Nick had told her that he had spoken to his therapist about what happened, but was still not ready to talk to the ADA, and when she spoke to Rafael at the end of the meeting while Fin was out of the room, he seemed unwilling to sort things out too.

So she decided to take matters into her own hands. She told Rafael that she needed to discuss working arrangements for the remainder of this case with him, and it would be best to do this outside work as it was due to his issues with Nick. She had a similar conversation with her partner, and both men reluctantly agreed to meet with her at a bar they often frequented that evening.

What she hadn’t told either of them was that the other was invited, so when they both turned up at the bar and realized the other was there, they were surprised, although Nick decided he should have expected it. He did think she would be there to facilitate this meeting though, but both men got a simultaneous text from her that said ‘Sort it out now, or I’ll have to make sure one of you is re-assigned.’

Rafael took a gulp of his scotch and sighed, then went to sit at a table in the quieter area of the bar. Nick waited until he got his drink and then joined him. Neither man said anything for a minute.

Rafael eventually looked up at Nick, checking out the faded yellow bruise that was still faintly visible on his face. His face was in a similar state, but at least the swelling had gone down now. He could still feel the pull of attraction between them and the arousal that he had always felt around the detective, but now if anything it seemed stronger than ever. Probably because they had given in to it once, he thought to himself. This wouldn’t make it easier to avoid in future.

He remembered very well the passion that had erupted between them. Despite them both staying fully dressed, it was one of the strongest orgasms he could remember ever having, and although he had tried not to think about it, a little voice in his mind had poked at him, suggesting that if it was that good with just fully-clothed humping, how much better it could be if they did more.

Rafael realized Nick wasn’t going to speak first, so decided to bite the bullet. He decided a neutral subject to get them at least talking would be the best way to start. “Have you spoken to Zara recently, or Maria?”

Nick looked up in surprise, not having expected this subject. “Yeah. I speak to Zara most nights, and I had a talk with Maria about her new boyfriend a few days ago. It’s not too serious yet, but talking to her reassured me, and she says she is going to keep me informed. She apologized for not telling me and me finding out about him from Zara.” He paused, debating whether to say any more. “She asked about you, and if we had gotten together.”

Rafael stared at Nick, surprised Maria would ask that. “What did you say?” he asked.

“I said no. She made me promised that when we did, I would tell her.” He sighed. “Everyone seems convinced it will happen, should happen.”

“Everyone?” Rafael queried.

Nick shrugged. “Maria, Liv, even my therapist.”

There was quiet for a minute as they both contemplated their drinks. Eventually Nick asked “So what do you think? Do you think it will happen again?” He was obviously talking about the way they had lost control and given in to the lust they both felt.

“I think that since that genie has escaped the bottle once, it will be more difficult for us to keep it there,” he said slowly.

Nick nodded. “Yeah. That occurred to me too. I wasn’t expecting it to be so…” he searched for an appropriate word, “explosive, between us.”

“Neither was I,” Rafael commented. “So where do we go from here?”

Nick took another sip of his drink. “Neither of us is gay, or comfortable with what happened, so I think ignoring it is the best thing to do if possible. But Liv’s been telling me for months that we should get to know each other more, become friends. My therapist says the same. He says that me fighting this bond is the source of my anger, and I can’t afford to let that get out of control again. If I do I’ll lose Zara for good. I won’t do that.”

Rafael looked at Nick, and smiled. “Okay, so we get to know each other better, and become friends. That’s a good plan. How about dinner on Friday night?” He thought staying in public would be best for now, so there was no repeat of last week.

Nick nodded. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, and should make Liv happy. In the meantime, how’s the case looking from your perspective?” He thought changing the subject would be helpful. There was only so much talk about them he could do in one night.   

Rafael was happy to accept the switch of subjects to work, and they spent the next half hour discussing the case before they went their separate ways.


	8. Chapter 8

The next couple of months went much more smoothly for both men. They were meeting up each week one evening, and also had lunch a few times  when they were near each other at lunch time, and were getting on well. They had deliberately been avoiding discussing work and instead got to know each other’s private lives better. They discussed their backgrounds, and Nick had a much better appreciation for how much Rafael had struggled growing up, and how hard he had worked to get out of the Bronx. It made him realize the effect that Alex Muñoz’s betrayal had had on him. Nick in turn had spoken about Zara and how much the divorce and being away from his daughter hurt him.

They found they had interests in common, both supported the same sports teams, and had many similarities they hadn’t discovered before now. As they got to know each other, they opened up more, and both felt they really were becoming close friends.

The arousal they both felt didn’t abate, and both of them were finding it more difficult to ignore, especially since neither of them had been with anyone else for a long time, and the animosity between them had abated. But neither of them brought up the subject, not wanting to rock the boat.

But finally, Nick decided he needed to tackle the elephant in the room. He had been talking to Rafael about his experiences in Iraq over dinner, and now they were having a drink at the bar before heading home.

He took a gulp of his beer, and surreptitiously looked round to make sure they were far enough from other people so couldn’t be overheard.

“Some of the guys in Iraq, being away from their wives and girlfriends for so long, gave each other a helping hand when they got too lonely,” Nick started.

Rafael looked at him, surprised he had brought up the subject, but quite happy he had. He himself had been trying to come up with a way to discuss the frustration he was feeling, and suspected Nick felt too. “Did you?”

Nick shook his head. “No, never. One of my best friends over there did though. He said it was nice to get relief and be touched by someone else, and giving a guy a hand job was pretty much the same as masturbating. He said it didn’t make him feel gay.”

Nick wasn’t looking at Rafael, and the ADA could see his face was flushed with embarrassment at the subject he had brought up.

“Are you suggesting that we…” Rafael trailed off. He wasn’t opposed to the idea, but wanted to make sure that Nick was on the same page.

Nick shrugged, and then bravely met Rafael’s eyes. “I don’t know, maybe.”

Rafael nodded. “Yeah we could try it. I’m not up to more, but we could do that.”

“That’s how I feel. I thought it might be one way to deal with this frustration,” Nick commented with feeling. He knew the constant arousal he felt around Rafael was getting to him, and sooner or later it would erupt again. Maybe if they preempted that happening they would be more in control this time.

“Thanks,” Rafael said quietly.

Nick looked at him quizzically. “What for?”

Rafael shrugged. “Suggesting it. I had been thinking about it too, but you’re the one that brought it up.”

Nick smiled at him, and looked into his eyes, seeing the same lust there that he was feeling. “Should we get out of here?” he asked in a low voice.

Rafael nodded, and swigged back the rest of his drink.

The two men headed out of the bar before stopping. “Where to?” asked Rafael.

Nick thought for a minute. “We’re closer to your place than mine,” he commented, walking to the edge of the sidewalk and hailing a cab.

They both got in and Rafael gave his address, then there was silence in the cab. Both men could feel the electricity between them ratcheting up, and they were both hard in their pants without even touching. They got out and headed up to Rafael’s apartment without breaking the silence.

Once Rafael had opened the door and both men had entered the darkened apartment, Rafael surged against Nick, pushing him to the wall with his body and moving in for a kiss. He wasn’t quite sure what Nick had in mind, but he liked kissing and they had done that before. Nick responded immediately and the two men were soon thrusting against each other while their mouths were engaged in a passionate kiss.

Rafael moved back a fraction so he had enough space to remove his coat. He didn’t want to come in his pants like last time. Now he wanted skin to skin contact. Nick copied his action, and then pulled off his T-shirt as well. Rafael grabbed the back of his polo shirt and removed it, and then the two men moved back together, feeling skin to skin contact for the first time.

Nick moaned, loving the feel of Rafael’s hot skin against his own. It had been so long since he had felt this. He ran one hand down the shorter man’s back, feeling the muscles there before he grabbed Rafael’s ass and pushed one of his legs between the ADA’s thighs, and they thrust against each other again.

Rafael gasped and realized he was losing control. He moved back again and pushed his hand between them, opening up Nick’s jeans with ease and pushing them off his hips, along with his boxers. He grabbed the hard cock and fisted it, moving gently at first, then harder and faster as he felt more confident. He could do this.

Nick groaned and thrust into Rafael’s hand. This was even better than he had expected. He realized he should be reciprocating though, and started to undo the other man’s jeans so he had access to his cock. He struggled at first, not being able to concentrate on what he was doing due to the sensations Rafael was pulling out of him, so the ADA helped.

Nick took hold of Rafael’s cock as soon as it was free of his clothes, and ran his hand from head to base, before pulling gently on his balls.

Rafael grabbed hold of Nick’s shoulder with his free hand, feeling his knees go week at the feel of Nick holding him so intimately. “Oh God, that feels so good,” he moaned, before moving in for another kiss.

As Nick wrapped his hand around Rafael’s cock and began to pull on it, Rafael thrust his hips forward. “Faster, harder,” he gasped, using the same rhythm he liked on Nick’s cock.

Nick took the hint as he realized both of them were too far to the edge to want slow and gentle exploration. He gave in to the sensations he was feeling and kissed Rafael again as he matched his hand’s movements to those of his partner.

Both men strained against each other, having to give up kissing to gasp for breath as the lust spiraled out of control. Rafael came first with a groan, quickly followed by Nick. They sank to the floor as their legs gave way, and they stayed in each other’s arms as they cooled down from their passion.

Rafael reached out and grabbed his polo shirt, using it to wipe his hand and abdomen of the white streaks of their combined come, then passed it to Nick who did the same. They looked at each other in shock. Neither of them could believe how hot that had been.

“Wow,” Nick said, huskily.

“Yeah,” Rafael replied. He stood up and pulled his jeans and underwear up and fastened them, then held out a hand to Nick. “Do you want a shower?” he asked.

Nick nodded. “That would be good, yeah,” he replied.

Rafael waved towards the bathroom that Nick had used the last time he was here. “Towels are in the cupboard below the basin. Help yourself. ”

Nick headed to the bathroom, grateful for the chance to clean up. He showered quickly and dried off before getting dressed again. He walked back to see Rafael sat on the sofa with a whiskey in his hand. Another one was on the table.

Nick sat down and took a sip. “Thanks.”

Rafael looked round at him, and smiled. “You’re welcome.” He was silent for a moment. “Was that what you had in mind?”

Nick laughed. “Not really. I thought it would be more clinical than that, with us more in control. But it was good. I could do that again.”

Rafael raised his eyebrows at him then pointedly looked down at his crotch.

Nick laughed. “Not now. My recovery time isn’t that good. But another time, yeah.”

Rafael nodded. “Me too.”

Nick finished his drink then stood up. “I’d better go. I’ve got work early tomorrow morning.”

Rafael stood too and saw Nick to the door. It felt awkward, as if they should hug or kiss or something, but neither man moved to do so. Instead Rafael opened the door and Nick walked out, without anything else being said.

***  

The next few months saw a change in the pattern of their meetings. They still met up for lunch, but also did other things like going out to a Yankees game, and met up one evening a week, usually at either Nick or Rafael’s apartment. Each time they weren’t in public, they ended up getting off with each other. None of their encounters could be considered romantic; they didn’t cuddle, or kiss outside of when they were jacking each other off, but they both got more accustomed to it and comfortable with each other’s bodies.

Nick was finally at his last mandatory counselling sessions thankfully. He felt his anger had dissipated with the change in his relationship with Rafael, although his therapist was still hassling him about that.

“How would you describe your relationship now with your soulmate?” the man asked.

Nick shrugged. “We are friends, and spend time with each other as friends do,” he said.

The therapist waited, but Nick was obviously not going to say more. “But you are engaged in a sexual relationship with each other,” he prompted.

Nick looked away from him. “We get each other off sometimes, yes, but I wouldn’t say it was a sexual relationship.”

“If you were regularly seeing a woman and getting off with her, in the way you are doing with Rafael, how would you describe your relationship?” the man persisted.

Nick shrugged again. “I suppose I would say we were dating, that she was my girlfriend,” he eventually admitted.

“But you wouldn’t describe Rafael as your boyfriend, or say you were dating him?”

Nick bristled. “No I wouldn’t.”

Why not?” the therapist asked, ignoring Nick’s defensiveness. He could tell Nick was still struggling with admitting his relationship with his soulmate, despite the progress he had made in this area.

“He’s a man,” Nick said.

“So you have a problem with dating a man. Some would call that homophobia, or at the very least, denial.”

Nick tried to explain, realizing how it looked. “If I consider I’m dating a woman, it’s not about how much time I spend with her, it’s about the feelings I have for her. With Rafael it’s different. We spend time together, but it’s not romantic. I don’t have feelings like that for him.”

“So what are your feelings for him?” the therapist asked. He didn’t believe Nick’s justification.

“Friendship,” Nick said, promptly.

The therapist sighed, and gave in.  He knew that Nick wouldn’t agree to more counselling, and had hoped that he would be able to get the detective to admit to his growing relationship with his soulmate, but he had run out of time. He told Nick he was free to make further appointments any time he needed to, and suggested that it would be helpful as his relationship with Rafael progressed, but wasn’t surprised that Nick denied he needed it.

Nick left with a sigh of relief at finishing the counselling, despite a nagging feeling that the therapist was right, and he was in denial about his feelings for Rafael. He was happy with the way things were though. He was getting off regularly, had a good working relationship and out-of-work friendship with the other man, and even Liv was off his back. He didn’t see why anything needed to change.

***

 


	9. Chapter 9

Rafael wasn’t in denial about his feelings for Nick. He cared for him and considered that they did have a sexual relationship, and would have been happy to describe Nick as his boyfriend. He wanted more and was ready for more. He knew that Nick wasn’t in the same place as he was though, and so stopped himself touching Nick outside their sexual encounters, and clamped down on his romantic feelings.

Nick tended to suggest they meet at Rafael’s apartment. He felt more comfortable here, where there were no memories of his previous heterosexual life. He didn’t want to make out with Rafael on the same sofa he had previously sat with Maria on.

One Saturday they had been watching a game at Rafael’s eating snacks as they shouted at the screen. By the time the game ended, they had both had a couple of drinks and were feeling more relaxed.

Rafael had been thinking about what he wanted to do. He enjoyed their sexual encounters, and had gotten much more comfortable touching Nick’s body, and having the detective touch him. He found he didn’t really miss the soft curves of a woman’s body, although he did miss the intimacy of intercourse. A hand job, no matter how good, was never going to be able to replace that. He knew they weren’t ready for that though. He thought he was ready for more though, and had decided that he was ready to attempt to give Nick a blow job.

He moved closer to Nick and put his hand on his shoulder, then gestured towards the bedroom. This was their code for sex. They had quickly discovered that the couch was too short for them to get comfortable, and standing wasn’t great either, so they had moved their encounters to the bedroom.

Nick nodded and both men stood up and moved to the bedroom, before stripping off their clothes and getting on the bed. There wasn’t anything romantic about it, it was just getting off, Nick had justified to himself.

But once they got on the bed, and into each other’s arms, the tenure of the encounter changed. They kissed passionately, and caressed each other, thrusting their groins together. But this time it was different. Rafael pulled back and held Nick’s arms above his head, stopping him from reaching for his cock. He knew he wouldn’t be able to resist if he had that stimulation. Instead he moved down Nick’s body, nibbling on his earlobe and kissing his neck, telling the detective “keep your hands there.”

He was pleased to see that Nick did as he was told, and moved further down, tonguing the ridges of Nick’s 6-pack, and caressing his hip before pushing his legs apart and moving further down the bed. Nick took in a deep breath in shock as he realized what Rafael was intending to do, as he had not expected it, but his cock was happy and swelled further, even as the butterflies in Nick’s stomach started. He wasn’t about to say no though.

Rafael didn’t meet Nick’s gaze as he lay down between his thighs, caressing the strong muscles before using his hand firstly on his balls, then his cock. He knew he could do this. He inhaled and could smell the arousal, along with the clean smell of soap, and leaned forward. He kissed the shaft, and then moved upwards, until he was kissing the head, and paused before licking the slit, tasting the salty flavor of Nick’s precome. It was a flavor he had tasted before, having kissed women after they had given him a blow job in the past.

He took in a deep breath and opened his mouth, swirling his tongue around the head, before taking it in his mouth. He heard Nick groan above him and smiled. He knew he wouldn’t be able to take much in, so used his hand on the base of the cock, and used gentle suction on the head. He was really doing this.

Nick thrust his hips upwards before he could stop himself and heard Rafael gag. “Sorry,” he gasped out, then felt Rafael’s free hand grip his hip and hold it down to the bed. Nick closed his eyes. It wasn’t the best blow job he had ever had, not surprisingly, considering he knew Rafael had never done this before. But after not having this for so long it felt amazing, and he knew he wouldn’t last long. He reached down one hand to squeeze Rafael’s shoulder as he felt himself approaching the point of no return.

Rafael felt the hand on his shoulder and pulled off. He wasn’t ready to have Nick come in his mouth or swallow. He used his hand to finish him off, his saliva making it easy for his fist to slide quickly up the hard cock and bring him off.

Nick arched off the bed and moaned, as Rafael watched with satisfaction the white streams of come splatter across the rippling abdomen, before the detective slumped back down on the bed to recover from his orgasm.

Rafael lay back, feeling very pleased with himself. He had done what he set out to do, and it had been easier than he had expected, despite the soreness he could feel in his jaw, and the taste in his mouth. He opened the bottle of water on the bedside table and drank some, watching as Nick finally opened his eyes and looked at him.

Nick didn’t say anything, but just watched the smirk appear on Rafael’s face, before he took the bottle of water off him and put it down, pushing Rafael to lie down on the bed. Nick could see that Rafael’s cock was hard and deep red, and he needed relief.

Nick leaned down and kissed Rafael, taking his throbbing cock in his hand, and then pulled away and moved further down the bed.

Rafael looked down the bed at Nick. “Just because I did, doesn’t mean you have to,” he said.

“I know,” said Nick, looking him in the eye, before looking down at the cock he was now very close to. He bent down further and licked a striped up the hard organ, and heard a groan from Rafael, before he sucked on his balls. He could see Rafael’s thighs trembling, and heard the muttered “please,” from above, before taking pity on the other man and moving in to take the cock into his mouth.

Nick sucked gently, and pushed further down until he couldn’t take any more, then pulled off again. This wasn’t as difficult as he expected. He bobbed his head up and down swirled his tongue over the ridge on the underside of the cock and sucked. Within a minute, Rafael was warning him he was about to come, and Nick pulled off, using his hand just as Rafael had done.

Nick helped himself to a drink and used a few tissues to clean both himself and Rafael up, then lay back down on the bed again. He really hadn’t been expecting this, but it had felt good; very good.

Both men looked at each other and smiled, before Nick got up and headed to the bathroom. Whoever came first got first dips on the shower. They didn’t share. That would be too much; too like an actual relationship.

Rafael watched Nick’s retreating back and sighed. He wished their relationship was more. He wanted affection and romance; to share his bed for more than just sex. He wanted to be able to shower together, kiss Nick whenever he felt like it, and lie in his arms after they made love. But they didn’t do that. They had sex, if what they did could actually be considered sex, and then Nick had a shower alone and went home. Rafael was beginning to despair that Nick would ever be ready for more.

But he had never thought that Nick would give him a blow job either, so maybe there was hope. He just needed to be patient. He knew his feelings were more than just friendship, but had to hide them. He hoped it wouldn’t be forever.

***       

The political shindig the whole department had been forced to attend was going well, until the DA came over and spoke to the SVU team, congratulating them on their great success rate. He spotted the markings on Nick’s hand and guessed who he was immediately. He hadn’t met him before, so had been unaware who Rafael’s soulmate was, although he had heard it was a member of SVU.

“Ahh, Nick Amaro. Now I know where I’ve heard that name before. You’re Rafael Barba’s soulmate, aren’t you?” he said, smiling at the detective stood in front of him.

Nick shuffled from one foot to another. “er, yes. We don’t actually have a soulmate relationship in the traditional sense though, we’re just friends.” He hated being put on the spot like this and asked about their relationship.

The DA looked confused, but decided to change the subject to one that was less awkward.

Rafael had been to the bar and was just about to join the group when he heard his boss’s comment to Nick. He stopped still and waited to hear Nick’s response, and was disappointed again to hear his soulmate deny their relationship. He sighed heavily and turned away, only to bump into Liv.

She had been watching the two men together for months now and had been pleased to see them getting on so much better, but now she saw a shadow fall over Rafael’s face and heard his sigh as he walked away from Nick.

“What’s wrong? What’s Nick done now?” she asked.

Rafael made an attempt to smile again. “Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s good between us,” he reassured her.

“Hmm. So what was that look and sigh for?” she probed.

Rafael attempted to look innocent, but saw her interrogatory look and gave up. “We’re getting on better than ever before, and are good friends now, with benefits, but I wonder if that’s all we’ll ever be.”

“You want more,” Liv stated. She had seen the affection in his eyes when he looked at Nick and thought there was no one watching, and had realized his feelings were stronger than friendship.

Rafael sighed. “Yes. But I don’t think I’ll get it. Nick’s just too straight to ever be willing to admit to being in a relationship with me. As far as he’s concerned, we’re friends, nothing more. He won’t meet my friends or my mom, or be seen anywhere romantic with me, or touch me outside of when we are in bed. I’ve not met Zara or Gil, and he keeps telling Maria we’re not together. I don’t think he’ll ever be ready for more with me.”

Liv could see the hurt on his face. She didn’t know what to say. “Give him time. He’s come a long way already from where he was a year ago. You’ll just have to be patient and hope he comes round.”

Rafael nodded, and then made a concerted effort to change the subject, asking Liv about Noah.

***  

Rafael was patient, but it didn’t seem to be making any difference. He and Nick regularly gave each other blow jobs now, both of them being more comfortable doing this, but there was no change in their relationship outside of the bedroom.

Rafael went to a family wedding on his own, despite his mom begging him to invite Nick, as he knew the other man would refuse to go with him. His mom was still holding out hope for them to get together, especially now she knew they were friends. She had even come to terms with the idea of her son having a male soulmate. She knew Nick had two children, and this would make up for Rafael not being able to give her grandchildren of her own. Rafael had tried to keep his mom from realizing his true feelings for Nick, but she knew him too well, and saw straight through him.  

He did meet Zara though, as Liv had a party and invited everyone in the department. It was a weekend that Nick had Zara, so he brought her along. Rafael suspected Liv had done it on purpose, knowing he wanted to meet the little girl, and made a point of talking to her and asking her to show him the game she was playing on Nick’s iPad.

Nick watched from across the room, feeling an aching in his heart as he saw Zara laughing at something Rafael said, and then moving closer to point something else out to him.

“He’s good with her,” Liv commented.

Nick smiled. “Yeah, he is. I didn’t think he would be, considering how awkward he was with Noah when you first got him.”

Liv laughed. “He’s got better with Noah, and it’s probably easier for him as he can talk to her, and have her understand him. It’s good for them to get to know each other.”

Nick looked at her in exasperation. “We’re just friends, Liv, nothing more. He doesn’t need to know her.”

She glared at him. “Really Nick. Just friends, or should I say friends with benefits?” She saw him blush. “I think you mean more to each other than that, even if you won’t admit it.”

Nick shook his head.   

“You’re soulmates, and are in a relationship with each other.”

Nick glared at her. “Do you give Rafael this much hassle about us?” he asked with irritation.

“I don’t need to. He’s not the one in denial,” she retorted.

Nick swigged his drink then stormed off to the kitchen to refill his glass. He wasn’t discussing this. He was happy with things as they were he told himself, despite the little voice inside his head telling him he wasn’t.

***

A month later though, Nick came to regret his decision to deny their relationship.

It was after lunch and Liv got a frantic call from Carmen, Rafael’s secretary. “Is he there with you? Please say he is,” she said frantically. Liv could hear hysteria in her voice.

“No, I thought he’d been delayed,” Liv said. ”What’s wrong Carmen?” she asked, hearing what sounded like muffled sobs on the other end of the line.

This got Nick’s attention, and he walked up to Liv, trying to eavesdrop on the conversation.

Carmen told Liv that Rafael had said he would get a sandwich from the stand outside Hogan Place then head over to see Liv, and now she couldn’t get hold of him. A man had collapsed behind the wheel of his car and ploughed into the snack stand and the crowd of people waiting for food. There were lots of casualties and the news had said there were fatalities.

Liv rushed to the TV in the squad room and turned it on. The local news station was broadcasting live pictures from a helicopter above the scene and she could see multiple ambulances, people lying on the sidewalk and sheets covering bodies. She paled, and Nick sunk into a chair by the table.

“Is Rafael there?” he croaked out.

Liv nodded, reassuring Carmen she would do everything she could to find him and let her know as soon as she heard anything.

“He told Carmen he would get some food there before heading over here. He’s not here, so may be one of the casualties.”

Liv saw Nick go white, and then saw his hand trembling. He was reading the latest update which flashed on the screen, saying there were three dead at the scene. She quickly filled Fin in and left him in charge while she collected her bag, then moved back to where Nick was still staring at the screen. 

“Come on Nick. We’ll find him,” she said, pulling him to his feet, and towards the exit.

They got to the hospital and found chaos. They waited in line and eventually got to the front of the queue of people at the emergency reception and gave Rafael’s name. The woman looked it up on the system and told them that he had not been admitted, but there were some unidentified people in surgery and also not all of the fatalities had been identified.

Liv supported Nick as his knees threatened to give way, and followed in a daze as they were directed to the waiting room where another assistant was taking descriptions of missing people. They managed to find an empty seat and Liv pushed Nick to sit down before heading towards the assistant, and joining the queue.

She gave a description of Rafael, and pointed out that she was with his soulmate. The woman looked over at Nick and nodded. She said the only unidentified man in the morgue had been badly injured and so facial recognition wasn’t possible, but she would ask if he had soulmate markings on his hand, and then come back to her.

Liv went back to stand next to Nick, pushing him back down when he tried to give up his seat so she could sit down. She could see he needed it more than her. They waited in silence, and then Liv found a spare seat and brought it over so she could sit next to him. He was leaning over with his elbows resting on his knees, and taking deep breaths.

“I can’t lose him Liv,” he whispered, before looking up at her. “Not now.”

She could see tears in his eyes, and the devastation in them. She put one hand on his back and pulled him in for a hug. He didn’t resist the comfort.

“I never realized how much he meant to me. All this time I denied him, and now I could have lost him,” he muttered quietly.

Liv rubbed his back. “I know. You only saw the problems between you and were fighting the bond. But he might be okay. You might still have a chance.”

Nick shook his head. “No. I can never get back the time I wasted. I was so stupid.”

Liv saw the assistant walking towards her, and pushed Nick to sit up. The woman smiled. “The man I told you about doesn’t have a soulmate, but one of the unidentified men in the OR does. If you head up to the surgical waiting room, they will be able to help determine if the man you are looking for is there.

Liv thanked the woman who looked pleased to have been able to give them good news, and then they made their way to the elevator and up to the fifth floor. Liv explained why they had been sent up, and the nurse told them to wait, gesturing to seats in the corridor.

Within a few minutes a nurse in scrubs came out to them and asked to see Nick’s finger. She looked at it closely for a minute then nodded. “Those match the man in theatre. Can you please go to reception and fill out a patient form so we have his details.”

Liv nodded, and the woman started to walk away, stopped only as Nick called her. “How is he?” he asked.

“He has a fractured arm which we’ve set and also has internal bleeding. We’re repairing a laceration to his liver and are checking to see if he has any other injuries before closing him up. We anticipate a full recovery, barring any complications,” she said.

Nick heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” he said, before slowly getting up and making his way to the reception desk to get a patient form as requested. He filled it in as best as he could while Liv called Carmen on the phone the nurse told her she could use, as cells were banned in the surgical area.

They both settled down to wait, with Liv bringing them both a drink.

Nick was quiet, thinking about all the time he had spent with Rafael. He had known his feelings were stronger than friendship, but had never been willing to admit it, even to himself. That was going to change. They were soulmates, and he wasn’t going to deny they were in a relationship any more. He had been shocked at how devastated he had felt when he thought Rafael was dead. All he wanted to do was take him in his arms and tell him how he felt about him.

It took another hour before Rafael was out of surgery, and a further hour before they had him out of recovery and settled in a room. Although Nick wasn’t officially his next of kin, as his soulmate he was allowed to sit by Rafael’s bed. He waited there, never taking his eyes off his soulmate’s pale face, and holding his hand tenderly, running his finger over the markings which matched his own.

Nick saw Rafael’s face grimace in pain and his eyelids flicker as he started to wake up. He called his name softly, and told him to open his eyes.

It took another few minutes but Rafael did, and saw Nick sat by his bedside, his eyes watery and red. Rafael tried to smile but failed, being in too much pain. “What happened?” he rasped out, his throat being sore from being intubated during surgery.

Nick held out an ice chip and put it into Rafael’s mouth to help ease the dryness as he filled him in on the accident.

“I don’t remember much. I heard screaming then felt a shooting pain in my arm, then nothing,” Rafael said. He swallowed and grimaced, and Nick gave him another ice chip.

“You’ve got a broken arm and they had to repair your liver,” Nick told him, never taking his eyes away from Rafael’s. “They expect you to be fine though.” He leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on Rafael’s lips. “I was so worried. I thought you were dead,” he whispered.

Rafael could see more tears forming in his eyes, and was shocked at the depth of emotion he could read in them. He tried to smirk but didn’t really pull it off. “You don’t get rid of me that easily,” he said. “I plan to be in your life a long time.”

“Good,” Nick said. “That’s what I want.” He was about to say more, and reveal exactly what he wanted their relationship to be, but just then the door opened, and Lucia came in. Nick recognized her from photos he had seen in Rafael’s apartment, and stood up to introduce himself to her, never taking his left hand from Rafael though.

Lucia smiled at Nick, and then looked at her son, before bending down to kiss his cheek and run her hand through his hair. “Rafi, I was so worried. The doctor says you will be fine though. You were very lucky.”

“I know mom. I’m glad you’re both here,” he said sleepily. The two people who were most important to him were there with him. Rafael could feel his eyes closing, and the pain receding as he slipped back to sleep again.

Both Lucia and Nick watched Rafael as he drifted off, neither of them taking their eyes off him until he was fast asleep. They would watch over him.


	10. Chapter 10

A week later and Rafael was his old grouchy self as he recovered. His arm itched under his cast, and he was frustrated at not being able to do much due to the incision in his abdomen. The doctors had finally discharged him though, as long as he had help and wasn’t going home alone.

Lucia and Nick had argued about who was to look after him, with Lucia eventually giving way when she realized that Rafael preferred to have Nick with him. She decided it would help their relationship too. She had gotten to know Nick during their week of hospital visiting, and liked him very much. She could see in his eyes how much he cared for Rafael, and was grateful to see this, knowing how much her son loved this man, even if he hadn’t said it in so many words.

So Nick packed a bag and headed over to Rafael’s apartment with it before collecting him from the hospital.

Rafael collapsed on the sofa, tired out from just getting home, and let Nick fuss over him, putting a cushion underneath his cast and getting him a drink. The two men hadn’t had much time for private chat in the hospital, but Rafael knew Nick quite well now, and could read some of the feelings on his face. He had also moved in with him, even if only temporarily, and this was giving Rafael hope. It was an awful way for their relationship to have changed, but it seemed this shock had done what time alone couldn’t do.

The rest of the day was spent quietly, with Nick making food for them which they ate in front of the TV, and Rafael drifting in and out of sleep. He was still recuperating and needed the rest. They headed to bed and Nick helped Rafael change before getting in beside him. They had never shared a bed before for anything other than sex, so this was new.

Nick turned out the light and lay down with his head on Rafael’s shoulder. He could hear his heart beating, and wrapped one arm around his waist, being careful to avoid the bandage covering his wound.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

“This is great,” Rafael replied, having one arm wrapped securely around Nick, stroking his back slowly. He had never believed he would have this with Nick, but now it was actually happening.

“I’m sorry,” Nick whispered, finding it easier to talk in the darkness.

“What for?” Rafael asked, confused.

Nick was silent as he thought about how to answer. “For denying that we were in a relationship. I knew you wanted more than I was giving you, but I just couldn’t do it. But in the hospital, when I realized you could be dead, I knew it had been a mistake I could never take back. But now I want things to be different. I want to be with you, as soulmates should be. ” He paused for a second, swallowing hard. “I love you, Rafael.” He knew this was how he felt, but saying it still felt difficult to do, even though they were in the dark.

Rafael felt tears form in his eyes at Nick’s words. “I love you too,” he whispered. It looked like he finally had what he had wanted. They fell asleep curled up in each other’s arms.

***

Over the next month, Nick did everything he could to show Rafael how he felt about him. He was romantic, affectionate, and looked after him well as he recovered from the accident.

One day Rafael woke up to hear Nick talking and realized he was Skyping to Maria. He couldn’t help but listen and decided that if Nick had wanted it to be private, he would have gone elsewhere to contact her.

“Maria, I need to tell you something,” Rafael heard Nick say. “I’m in a relationship with Rafael now.”

“So you’ve got over your heterosexuality now and enjoying sleeping with a man,” Maria said sarcastically.

“If you’re going to be crude then I’m hanging up. And our sex life is none of your business. But Zara will be getting to know Rafael so you should know we are together, and not find out about it from her, like I did about your relationship with David. We’re both with other people now, and happy, and that’s got to be better for our daughter than us fighting. So if you can’t say anything nice about Rafael, then keep quiet.”

There was silence before Maria answered. “I knew it would happen sooner or later, despite you saying it wouldn’t. That just proves I did the right thing in leaving you.”

Nick argued, pointing out that he had always been faithful to her, and had only gotten together with Rafael long after she left, and when he was single. He suggested they drop the subject as it was something they would never agree on. 

Maria was silent for a minute before agreeing and then ending the call. Nick found the whole conversation difficult, but he had kept his promise and told her. When he turned around and saw the look on Rafael’s face, it was all worth it to see the happiness and relief at knowing Nick had finally admitted their relationship.

***

Rafael gradually started being able to do more, and was pleased when the stitches came out although the cast was still a nuisance, and he was told he would need to stay off work until at least 6 weeks after the surgery. He was getting frustrated at home, but kept in touch with work by phone, partly just to check up on Nick.

It had been arranged for Zara to come to New York to stay with Nick, and although Rafael said he would be okay on his own so Nick could go back to his apartment which Zara was used to, Nick refused. It led to a discussion about living arrangements though.

Nick hesitated to bring up the subject, but it had been on his mind. Although he had moved in temporarily to help Rafael out after the surgery, now their relationship had progressed he didn’t want to leave again. He had also had a discussion with Maria as she wanted her share of their place to buy a home in Washington.

When Nick broached the subject though, he found Rafael enthusiastic for him to move in permanently, and offered his spare room to be set up as a bedroom for Zara. Nick spent the next week moving his and Zara’s belongings to Rafael’s apartment when he wasn’t at work.

Zara was a bit unsure when her dad told her that he was moving, but liked the apartment and the fact that a park was across the street. All her things were in the room she was given as hers too. She remembered Uncle Rafael from a few months ago, and was happy to play computer games with him while her dad cooked pizza for them. He had even told her that she could pick the color scheme for the room and he would get it decorated just for her. She found it strange that her dad had a boyfriend, not a girlfriend, but he explained it to her.

Nick was really pleased that the weekend had gone so well. Maria was less pleased that he seemed so happy with Rafael, and Zara so accepting of the situation but kept quiet about it.

***

 

The only thing that Nick wasn’t completely happy about with their new relationship with Rafael was their sex life. They had abstained for a month after the surgery as Nick had been unsure about doing anything to set back his recovery, much to Rafael’s irritation, but they were now back to doing what they were before. Their sex life was very satisfying, but Nick felt that he wasn’t still able to fully commit to it with Rafael when they had never had intercourse. He was nervous of taking this final step, but was determined to do it.

He did research online, and then did a bit of experimenting himself. He found it embarrassing and awkward, but realized when he got used to it that anal stimulation was pleasurable. When he finally found his prostate, he realized what all the fuss was about. He loved it.

On the night of Rafael’s birthday, the two men had gone out for a romantic night out, with dinner and a show, before walking hand in hand back to the apartment both men now thought of as home.

Rafael could tell something was up with Nick, as he was getting more nervous as time went on, but he obviously wasn’t keen to talk about it.

They got into the apartment, and Nick excused himself and went to the bathroom while he suggested that Rafael pour them both a nightcap. This he did, and eventually Nick came out and sat down next to him. They drank their drinks and then made out on the couch, before Nick suggested moving to the bedroom.

Rafael nodded and got up, taking Nick by the hand and leading him to their bed. They kissed passionately, and started undressing each other, moving to the bed once they were naked. There, Nick took charge, pushing Rafael down to lie on the bed. He caressed his lover slowly, wringing out every moan he could get out of Rafael by stimulating him in all his hot spots. Rafael was hard and throbbing by the time Nick was ready to move things along further.

Nick lay on top of Rafael and kissed him again, before looking deeply into his eyes and telling him “I love you, so much.” Then he moved away and reached into the bedside table, where he had earlier put a tube of lube and condoms. He reached for both items, and rolled the condom down Rafael’s hard cock and then straddled his shocked lover as he opened the lube and started to open himself up further. He had already done this in the bathroom earlier, but knew from his research that plenty of lube was a necessity, and it helped to make sure, especially as he was so nervous.

Rafael leaned up in shock as he watched what Nick was doing. “Nick, what are you doing?” he asked.

Nick smirked at him. “I’d think that was pretty obvious,” he replied.

“But we never discussed intercourse. Are you sure you want to do this?”

Nick smiled, but Rafael could still detect his nerves. This explained his behavior all night.

“Yeah, I’m ready. As long as you want to?” he asked. He didn’t think Rafael was going to refuse him.

Rafael looked seriously at him. “Yes, of course I want to, but only if you’re really sure.”

Nick removed his fingers from himself and squeezed more lube onto his fingers, this time transferring it to the outside of the condom. “I’m sure,” he said, as he moved position slightly and used one hand to hold up Rafael’s cock as he braced himself with the other one on his hip. He moved down slowly, until he could feel the head of the cock at his entrance. He then took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he continued to lower himself down, trying to stay relaxed. He stared into Rafael’s eyes, seeing the pleasure on his face as they were joined.

Rafael watched Nick as he joined their bodies, and felt the heat and tightness surround him. He had never felt this good before. Nick ended up sitting over his hips, taking deep breaths in, and Rafael could see he was uncomfortable. He leaned forward to kiss his lover, and they stayed still for a minute until Nick finally started to rock up and down. Rafael was struggling to control himself but gave in to the sensations as Nick moved, slowly at first then more quickly.

Nick shifted position and eventually found the best angle, so Rafael’s cock was hitting his prostate on every thrust. He moved quicker and harder, encouraging Rafael to thrust up too.

Rafael reached for Nick’s cock and started to fist it in the same rhythm their bodies were moving in, and Nick gasped and came hard, ribbons of his come falling over Rafael’s trembling abdomen. The resultant clenching around his cock was enough to set Rafael off, and he could swear he saw stars as he came harder than he remembered ever coming before.

Nick pulled off, removing the condom with trembling fingers and discarding it along with tissues he’d used to mope up his come before collapsing on the bed with a big grin on his face. He had done it!

Rafael gazed at him adoringly before cuddling into his side. They were silent for a minute as they both got their breaths back.

Eventually curiosity got the better of him. “How did it feel?” Rafael asked.

Nick grinned. “Great. Better than I thought it would. Once I relaxed it didn’t hurt, and prostate stimulation is really good. I could get used to it.”

“How long have you been planning that?” Rafael wanted to know next.

Nick shrugged. “A few weeks. I did some research and started experimenting to see if I would like it, and then opened myself up and got used to relaxing. It wasn’t that hard to do, but I really wanted to try it.”

Rafael nodded. He had been thinking about it too since their relationship had got so much better, but he hadn’t had the nerve to do anything about it. “I want to try it too. Will you help me?”

Nick turned onto his side and pulled the covers over them before he cuddled closer to Rafael, yawning widely. “Of course I will.”

***

The next morning they were sharing a lazy shower together when Rafael took hold of Nick’s hand and moved it to his ass, pushing his fingers into the crack to where his entrance was.

Nick looked at him with raised eyebrows and saw Rafael swallow hard and then nod.

“Show me what it’s like,” Rafael said.

Nick grabbed the shower gel and let plenty drip onto his fingers before he put them back onto Rafael, moving one round in circles around Rafael’s entrance, before gently pushing in. “Try to relax and push out,” he said quietly.

Rafael did that and felt Nick’s finger slide all the way inside him. It felt strange, but not painful. He could feel Nick moving his finger in and out slowly, and then a second finger was hesitating at his entrance.

Nick looked at him questioningly, and at Rafael’s nod, he pushed both fingers in. Once they were in, he kept them still, watching Rafael’s face. He could see the discomfort, and waiting until that had subsided and Rafael nodded at him again before moving his fingers. He felt around until he found the hard nob of Rafael’s prostate, and gently pressed it.

Rafael gasped as he felt a shock of pleasure as the fingers pressed into him. Wow. He hadn’t expected that. He moved his legs further apart to brace himself then thrust himself back further onto Nick’s fingers.

Nick grinned. It looked like Rafael liked prostate stimulation as much as he did. He took his mouth in searing kiss and took both their hard cocks in his other hand. 

Rafael held on to Nick as he thrust between the fingers stimulating him from behind and the hand in front. He didn’t last long, coming with a loud moan of Nick’s name, even as he heard Nick groaning his own. He slumped against the wall of the shower, holding on to Nick for support.

By the time he came back to himself, Nick had turned him into the water again and cleaned them both off, getting rid of the come and bubbles, before they stumbled out of the shower and dried off. Rafael reached out for Nick and pulled him in for a loving kiss. They smiled at each other, both reading the love in each other’s eyes before parting to get dressed.

***

Despite Rafael’s pleading, Nick wouldn’t agree to intercourse with him too quickly, telling his lover that he would need to get used to taking fingers first. He didn’t want to hurt him. But over the next week he continued to stimulate Rafael, and finally felt he was ready to take this final step.

They had had a great win in court; with a case that they hadn’t been at all sure would go their way, so all felt the need for a celebration afterwards. It was the first time the SVU squad had met up outside work for some time. They gathered in the restaurant after the case and had a meal together, followed by more drinks. All during the evening, Nick was attentive to Rafael, even holding his hand and kissing him at one point, something he had never done before. It had been more usual for Nick to avoid getting too close to Rafael in the past, and this change was noticed by the other members of the squad.

“So Nick, how are things between you and Barba? You seem to be very lovey-dovey with each other for a change,” Amanda commented with a grin. She had wound Nick up in the past by quizzing him about their relationship, usually getting snapped at for her trouble, but not this time.

Nick looked at her defiantly before taking Rafael’s hand in his own. “We’re great, never better. I now see what the big deal is with soulmates. I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else now.”

Amanda raised her eyes. “Really? So you’ve got over your homophobic stance then and are ready to admit you are in a relationship.”

Nick smiled. “I’m not homophobic, and yes, we are in a relationship, a serious one. I’ve moved in and Zara and Maria know about us.”

Rafael had looked round and was listening to their conversation. Amanda saw him watching them and turned to him. “So Barba, is Nick good in the sack then? I always wondered.”

Rafael knew she was trying to wind Nick up, and get a rise out of him but didn’t allow her to bait him. “Yes, he’s great actually,” he said with a smirk.

Nick looked around at him, shocked he had answered. Rafael just laughed and leaned in to give him a chaste kiss on the lips.

Amanda gave up after that. She was a little jealous, having thought that Nick was attractive, and wondered what it must be like to meet your soulmate. She hoped one day she would find out.

***

The two men got home that night a bit tipsy, but very happy. They headed straight to bed, completing their evening routine before curling up in bed. Rafael got out the tube of lube and a condom and passed them to Nick.

“I’m not going to take no for an answer anymore, Nick. It’s time. So just do it.”

Nick looked into Rafael’s eyes and saw the determination there and gave in. He smiled at Rafael. “Okay. Lie on your back.”

Rafael moved to comply and Nick moved down the bed, caressing his lover’s body as he opened the tube of lube and squeezed some on to his fingers. He mouthed Rafael’s cock as his fingers slid backwards, and Rafael relaxed his legs further apart.

He now felt quite comfortable being stimulated this way, so it didn’t take Nick long to stretch him open. It took a few minutes of Rafael insisting he was ready before Nick would take the hint and move things along though.

But eventually Nick was ready, with the condom on and lubed up, and about to enter his lover for the first time. “Are you ready, and sure you want this?” he asked Rafael, seeing the determined look and nod before he even finished the sentence.

Rafael put his hands on Nick’s hips and pulled him forwards, making sure to relax and push outwards as he felt the blunt head of his lover’s cock enter him for the first time. It slowly slid in, and Rafael felt pressure and fullness, but not pain. All the preparation they had done really had paid off.

Within a minute Rafael was rocking into Nick, and so the detective finally started to move, slowly at first but then speeding up as he realized his lover could take it. Nick varied the angle of his strokes, and it was very obvious when he found Rafael’s prostate, due to the gasp he heard. He grinned and made sure to keep aiming in that direction.

Rafael couldn’t believe it felt this good. He knew he wasn’t going to last long, even though his cock was untouched, and he quickly reached the summit, and gazed into Nick’s eyes as he cried out his name, spurting over both their bodies.

Nick felt the clenching around him and saw the ecstasy on Rafael’s face, and it was enough to tip him over the edge. He came with a groan of Rafael’s name and slumped down, with his arms trembling so much they wouldn’t hold his weight. He rolled to the side and withdrew, removing the condom and then cleaning them both up with wipes they kept by the bed.

Rafael took Nick in his arms and kissed him tenderly. “Thank you. That was even better than I thought it would be. I love you so much,” he whispered.

Nick smiled back. “I love you too.”

The two soulmates fell asleep in each other’s arms, finally having overcome all the obstacles in their path, and both certain that they were destined to be together forever; heart, body and soul.     


End file.
